I was talking with my dad about feeling sad and hopeless about his cancer. “On the one hand,” he said, “I know every day is a blessing and there’s so much to be grateful for. But that seems so abstract. So far away right now.” Here are some thoughts about feeling hopeless, and building a ladder toward hope.

 

 Good Sad - Finding Moments of Hope [6:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear ones,

Tomorrow the Jewish holiday of Passover begins, so I’ve been thinking about freedom and about love.

Passover commemorates the time when Jews were enslaved in Egypt and then Gd, through Moses, led them to forge a path toward freedom. Moses didn’t want the job — he felt unqualified, incapable… uncertain and hopeless, but he chose to say yes.

It was a terrible journey — both the journey of enslavement, the journey of release, and then the period of cleansing in the desert. At Passover we do not celebrate a defeat of Pharaoh and his people, instead we express our sorrow at the suffering and our gratitude that so many before us have accepted the struggle for freedom.

Freedom does not mean getting to do whatever you want. Patty and I were talking about what our kids would say — they seem to think freedom would be growing up so no one would tell you what to do. And we might imagine freedom as being eight and getting to come home from school and play ’till dinner. But neither is true or possible.

Freedom means taking responsibility to walk in the path of what is right. It a process of ongoing effort and care. It is a terrible burden, but also a joyful one. It is terrible because when you accept freedom, you can no longer take the easy path of blame. You can not ride along and then be mad when someone takes you to a destination that isn’t what you wanted!

There are so many ways to give up freedom. Being on “autopilot” and blindly following patterns. Being a victim. Being a dictator. Deluding yourself. Breaking your own integrity. Letting yourself be seduced by superficial wants — or maybe confusing “wants” and “needs.” Compromising your values, or devaluing yourself to seek approval, status, affirmation, or power from the outside.

But at the same time there are so many gifts. Not just gifts of freedom itself, but gifts from the struggle to be free. Perhaps without the struggle there is no real freedom — or at least none of the heady bliss of finding it. In the struggle we have the opportunity to confront ourselves and one another. To question what truly matters. To challenge assumptions and the status quo, not changing for change’s sake, but changing for the sake of liberating our highest and best selves.

In the struggles there are an abundance of difficult feelings. My dad (stepfather) is struggling w cancer and it’s brutal. On one hand I am feeling so sad and afraid and hopeless — and on the other hand these terrible emotions feel good. They feel “right-but-hard” and are reminding me of our love and the gifts he’s given me and our whole family. So the pain is really love in disguise.

Recently Max was in struggle because he left his “best Pokemon cards” in his pocket then put his jeans in the laundry — they did not fare well. On the one hand he was helpless, a victim of bad fortune. On the other it was an opportunity to receive loving support from us, and to take action, to take ownership of the future. To be free.

While I was in the midst of struggle post-emergency-knee-surgery I was feeling pretty low. I felt helpless, powerless, dependent, stuck. But at the same time I was able to receive so much love and care. I thought a lot then about what it meant to be free. Did it mean being able to put socks on myself? (that felt like great liberation!) Or did it mean being able to choose to be grateful for the care? Even grateful for the pain? (because it was a sign of the process of recovery)

I’m struck that freedom is so much about feeling. About feeling despair versus hope. About feeling unworthy of and unable to love versus abundant in it. So many people are afraid to love and to be loved. They are so hurt that the hurt itself becomes a kind of shelter. They make walls of rage to barricade their fear, they keep their hurt close at hand in a desperate attempt to prevent it from overwhelming them. Maybe this is the ultimate slavery, the self-imposed slavery of denying that we are worthy and capable of love.

This is a prison whose wall grow thicker each day. The more we see ourselves as unworthy of and unable to love, the more depleted we become. We become more and more closed to love from all around, and less and less able to love others. Paradoxically the door opens by giving; it swings open outward from self acceptance.

The good news is that no matter how thick we make these walls, freedom can come in the blink of an eye. So impossible, then so simple. It can feel like betrayal of a promise, though, because we do not stay free.

We must choose again. Each time it feels impossibly hard, then suddenly, miraculously, easy. Then we find another challenge; this is the journey of freedom. Without the opposition we go back to autopilot, back to coasting. So the walk toward freedom is embedded in struggle — we find jewels among life’s travails. While there will be struggle, there is also choice — a balance that is a process.

Freedom, then, is decision made over an over; a string of choices. Not choices of circumstance and power, but choices of heart and will. Love and effort. Made over and over, strung together on a necklace, each bead buffed to luster by the challenge inherent in the decision to be free.

Does this perpetual struggle sound grim and dark? I don’t see life that way. I see it as beautiful, part of the abundance and wonder of our world. Each time we choose freedom we become stronger, deeper, and brighter — contributing, as have so many before us, to the vast pool of liberation.

With love,
- Josh

It feels like summertime here - glorious, peaceful, and relaxed. The scent of jasmine is pouring in through my office windows along with the gently cooling evening air.

Yesterday I was talking with a client/friend about where he needs to put energy in his business. Hands down: “relationships.” Reaching out and connecting, mostly externally and also internally. He admitted he wasn’t doing it the way he wanted, and part of me wanted to say, “but that’s so easy!”

Then I realized that his reason for not doing this is much the same as my reason for not exercising (something he’s great at, by the way): In two completely different challenges, we each feel inadequate - incompetent - and without real hope that our efforts will work.

And we each find it incredibly difficult to persevere… and all too easy to slide that task to the bottom of the pile. I am sure there is value and insight in this feeling, some clarity to be found, but even in this quite jasmine gentleness of evening, the wisdom is beyond me.

A survey in 2000 found that the most frequently expressed emotion at work was anger and the least frequently expressed emotion was joy.  When I mentioned this to a group of b-school students a few days ago most were not surprised. Anger, they report, is common in their work experience. Expressing joy is associated with being a ‘lightweight’. It is not professional. Anger is associated with power, joy with weakness. This is obviously a problem for all of us. While anger has a place and can be an intelligent emotion, joy and other positive emotions are critical to idea generation and enhancing cooperation.  The question is, how do we express joy, or happiness, or as Josh has noted, appreciation and gratitude, in a way that is accepted and heard by people?  And how can we convince leaders of the importance - and ‘professionalism’ - of the expression of joy?

Well I had an absolute blast appearing on the Today Show. It was literally a circus there (the circus was on the show before me…) and the energy was amazing.

The five minute discussion went by so fast. When I got off set, I actually had no idea what I’d said, it was such a blur! Fortunately I could watch online, here’s the clip from MSNBC.

So after watching and finding out what I said… I’m pretty thrilled with it. This was my first live TV appearance, and first time on National TV, so I was pretty anxious… especially right before, standing on the set watching the process.

These folks do FOUR hours of live TV every morning! I was amazed at the level of focus the team showed - for example, before our segment on emotions, Natalie Morales was reading latest news, while crew was rapidly moving to set up our piece… and she was just in the zone reading as the text flowed by (I was watching the teleprompter and imagining trying to read it!)

I now have about eight more key ideas I’d really like to add… such as using appreciation as a transformational tool for shifting out of those AHHHH moments.  I used it there - as I was starting to get anxious I thought about what a great gift it is to get to do this work - and to talk about something so valuable to so many people.

Next time I’d like to post a web article with some of the practical strategies we teach plus links to additional articles and resources. So here’s a mini-story on 6seconds.org about the piece, with some additional thoughts: All About Emotional Intelligence from Six Seconds - EQ on NBC’s Today Show

All in all - I’m looking forward to the next time!!

What are the qualities of a President of the United States who takes on the mantle of leader? On the MSNBC program “Tim Russert,” Doris Kearns Goodwin, presidential historian, shared the qualities she feels we should be looking for in the President of the United States. Here are the qualities she submitted:

*withstanding adversity

*diverse perspectives

*loyalty

*admitting mistakes

*managing emotions

*defining goals

*knowing how to relax

Throughout the entire hour program it was evident to me as a emotional intelligence practitioner that she was primarily talking about emotional intelligence. In her discussion about “withstanding adversity” she talked of former presidents and the presidential candidates of 2008. The practice of optimism, resiliency, and perseverance modeled for others can bring energy and power to those they lead. The leaders have been “tested.” We know from the study of many leaders, they have had to withstand enormous obstables, “picked themselves up,” and went forward.

“Diverse perspectives” relates to how leaders learn from others, including from those with whom they disagree on many issues. A leader surrounding themselves with only “yes people” only hears their own voice and views.  They are not challenged to revisit their beliefs and perhaps even enrich their beliefs, if they are not listening to others.With a leader utilizing their emotional literacy, navigating emotions, empathy, and noble goals, really all of the EI competencies, this is when they truly are able to engage others in decision-making. Without engaging “diverse perspectives” a leader is not connected to the relationships they have with the people.

The attributes of “loyalty” and “admitting mistakes” can really be discussed together in that the loyalty that the President has for his/her people is shown most vividly when being true to oneself. Admitting mistakes in the work for the citizenry can show a loyalty that transcends any other work with which the President focuses. Most of the emotional intelligence competencies ring through these qualities.

“Managing emotions” so clearly relates to EI. We may call it “navigating emotions,” with Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network, but it really is the same. There are so many instances when the information gleaned from anger, frustration, sadness, happiness,  and joy can bring power, energy, and clarity to a president’s message. The job of the President of the United States is to be able to transform those emotions into messages that enlist, energize, and empower the citizens. Additionally, “defining goals” relates to “managing emotions” in that a president needs to use the data from their emotions and create a clear message that communicates shared purpose.

Lastly, being able to relax is an important quality for a president, as with any leader. President of the United States has almost an unequaled amount of stress in their lives. Taking the time for reflection, time with family, a sport, or perhaps a hobby is an extremely important part of the lives of any leader.

 I believe Doris Kearns Goodwin’s list is almost complete. I would definitely add empathy as another quality. She alluded to it many times in the program, but did not name it. It is clearly evident that emotional intelligence competencies are at the core of any leader, not just President of the United States.

It has frequently been the practice of many teachers and administrators to “prepare” teachers for the students they will be having in their classes the next year. That preparation may entail learning about  students’ behaviors, learning styles, strengths, and areas needing improvement in their academics. This information can be very helpful so that teachers can plan to modify and enhance their lessons for their new students. I would submit that this is not enough.

Yes, I would agree it is important to learn about students before you teach them. It can help with the preparation of your “toolkit” of strategies. But too many times we remember those comments about a student, especially those comments from their former teachers that list their  weaknesses in academics and behaviors and we lose sight of the enormous power that our own optimism about each student can play in how they will live within our classrooms. I would suggest that when meeting new students it is extremely important to be prepared with a keen eye and ear to see and hear when students are working diligently, cooperating with others, using their optimistic messages with themselves and others, and exercising their citizenship skills in the classroom. Yes, it is a balancing act. We want to be prepared with information from the previous year. But we do not want students to feel that they are burdened with their history from the previous year in school.

 I know I hope to try to continue to use the opportunity with each new student as a time to practice my emotional intelligence skills. We know how emotions are contagious! We know that modeling those EQ competencies can be powerful! We know that students can change those patterns that have not worked with them in the past. Giving them a chance will help the balance move toward the positive.

After finishing the “Emotoscope” ap for Facebook I was shaking dust from my brain to come up w/ another fun way for people to learn about feelings. Said to Patty (my wife), “How about a cool online EQ jeopardy game?”

“Boring” - she said it more delicately. “I mean, what would you ask?” **

Emma (8) is listening in (as usual - big ears!!) and pipes up, “jealousy?”

Right on! “What is jealousy?” I continue to Patty, “Or how about ‘ a little anger + sadness’?” Blank look from Patty, Emma again:

“disappointment?”

Whoa! Emotional literacy in action.

And not enough. Maybe being intelligent about emotions is the foundation. Then the graduate course: to be intelligent with emotions.

** in defense of Patty: her point was that this game has only “right/wrong” answers and our learning philosophy commits us to deeper forms of reflection

Intriguing study - more evidence that being smart with feelings is key to success in life. In this case - recovery from illness.

Those with low anger control produced higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which was in turn, associated with delayed healing.

Source: BBC NEWS | Health | Anger control key to recovery

While I’m not crazy about the phrase “anger control” (because “control” is the most superficial form of self-management - kind of like someone saying you should “control your wife”), the concept makes so much sense. Feelings tied to danger (ie, stress response) focus our body on short-term problems (fight the lion).

Likely one reason feelings like hope, courage, and compassion speed healing is that they reverse stress.

This week’s issue of Newsweek has an article about some fall-out from the ‘happiness movement’. Basically, the argument is that sadness can be a natural response to life events and that negative emotions can be adaptive. Accessing and leveraging the ‘full range of emotions’ should be part of any approach to EI.

Remember that emotions arise from events in our lives, as opposed to moods which are more diffuse and do not always have an external cause. Being down in the dumps, being moody, may not be all that adaptive, but sadness arising from a loss can be. Same with anger and fear.