Does unconditional love mean you accept people fully — without wanting them to be better? As a parent, does it mean you don’t push your kids to do better? As a spouse, does it mean you don’t encourage your partner to grow? As a manager, does it mean you accept ho-hum performance?
Is there a way to be unconditionally loving, and also to hold high expectations?
Recently I noticed myself thinking harsh, judgmental words about my son and his (lack of) homework. Lazy. Lame. Idiotic. Mostly I avoided saying these out loud, but there were a few, “Don’t be so ___” phrases coming out.
This is absolutely not how I want him to see himself, and not how I want to think and feel about him. I want him to know he’s loved no matter what, and that I value and respect him for who he is. I want him to do his best, but at the same time, to know he is a great person even when he messes up.
Feeling Inadequate, Passing it On
Perhaps this is partly due to my own self-perception of inadequacy. There’s this little voice in my head saying, “You’re not living up to your potential.” I grew up hearing this often. And another, “If you did better, you’d deserve love and respect” — no one ever said this one to me… yet somehow I heard it. For most of my life I’ve felt inadequate, and that I need to prove myself.
On the one hand, this is motivating. At times, it’s pushed me to push myself. On the other, it’s told me to give up on what’s too hard, to take shortcuts, and that real happiness lives outside of myself. I certainly don’t want to pass that on.
Yet, I do have high expectations – I want my son to work harder and do better. And, I want him to know he’s loved and perfect. Can those two coexist? When I asked Max (who’s now 11) about this, he said that if I didn’t push, I’d be like one of those parents who made excuses and acted like their kid was perfect even when they behaved badly.
Is Love Conditional?
I can see many of my clients and friends struggling with this too — especially with people who are “selected” (unlike our kids who arrive as a kind of “mystery package”). We want our husbands and wives to be more supportive, we want our friends to be just a bit more (or less) relaxed, we want our employees to be a lot more committed… yet we’ve chosen these people and made a commitment. Do we make that commitment based on an expectation that they’ll change to be what we REALLY want, or based on who they are?
What if we turn it around. How do I want my kids, my wife, my boss, to see me? How can they motivate me to grow and do better? If they see me as not good enough, will it help me be better — or will I shut down? If I feel real support and acceptance, will I be more motivated to do better – or will I be complacent?
I suspect that this distinction between acceptance/love and expectation is profoundly important for healthy relationships. I certainly know that I’m a lot more motivated to be and do my best when I know that the people around me are on MY side — that they’re supporting me for what I want, not for their expectations. So perhaps it comes down to letting go of the external expectation, and instead supporting each person in our lives to reach their own goals?
Could that work? How would it feel? How do we start?
- How Emotional Intelligence Coaches Use Emotions in Goal Setting - October 2, 2024
- 3 Winning Strategies for Successful Change Leadership: Coaching with Emotional Intelligence - September 4, 2024
- 3 Emotional Intelligence Tips for the Essence of Coaching - July 31, 2024
my thinking on that is that when one knowingly tries to make something that is done for the good of someone
to try to make out that it isn’t
and added to that … so that one can use them or rather continue to abuse others
as if one cares but it is really for the abusers own benefit…
now then tho can one repent of such effectively
Well stated – thanks for sharing Josh
Hi Joshua. This is very relevant dilemma faced by parents. I am witnessing a situation in which my sister having difficulties dealing with her emotions and her daughter which is suffering from slight depression with behavioral problems. She basically gave in to her demands thinking that’s the best way to show her love to her daughter. At the same time, this ‘unconditional’ love might actually back fire putting the daughter in state that’s not helping her situation. The behaviors got worse, my sister was in more emotional wreck, the other family members were impacted. I believe ‘unconditional’ love can be applied with accepting the person/situation as is. This entails the wisdom to deal with situation with the intention for the goodness for that person.
In addition to understanding what motivation styles work best for each person, picking battles may be useful here, too. If there is no doubt in my mind or my child’s mind that they are loved unconditionally in all the regular day to day activities, they get a lot of autonomy in many different areas and their wishes and fears are regularly acknowledged and honored, then pushing in some areas is not going to be disastrous. Constant pushing, constant criticism, constant “correcting” or rather fault-finding, of course, will have opposite effects.
Yes Josh ! I think it would work very well. For the simple reason that every individual is working towards his goals which are important to him and if he feels supported – genuinely supported by words and deeds – then for ensuring that the support continues, he will reciprocate by in turn supporting your goals. Of course, support should not be conditional based on whether or not he reciprocates. Yet, it’s human nature to be interdependent and it gives security to both sides of the interdependence.
For the person giving the unconditional support, it would feel being more valuable and the person receiving the support would feel cared for.
One can immediately start giving unconditional support to children, spouse, parents, friends, colleagues, peers, subordinates, superiors; just needs a change of mindset from “I must get something in return” to “I want to give”. It needs true, solid Independence and true, unshakable confidence and faith in all that is good about being a human. This needs to be adopted as “a way of living” and not a strategy to please, win and succeed.
Love and expectation – to my mind – are two Independent forces. To me Love means wanting only enduring rather than momentary Happiness for the loved one; it also means to be pained by the pain of the loved one. Equally, it means knowing that it’s the loved one who defines what’s Happiness or sadness for him or her. It also means knowing that the loved one is as much a human being as you are, with his own thoughts and feelings which need as much respect as yours do. In Scott M Peck’s (author of “The Road Less Travelled”) words “Love is the will to extend one’s self for the spiritual growth of oneself or of another”. Thus, love is powerful motivator for compassionate action.
Expectation on the other hand comes from your experience of your life. You expect according to what you have experienced which is only natural and Ok. Expectation can easily co-exist with love if you are willing to respect and accept the other person’s experience as well. “Experience” as I understand is whatever a person has seen, heard, thought, felt, liked and disliked since birth.
In parenting, I have experienced, the key is to open up to the experiences of the child, to facilitate the child in sharing his experiences – at school, in friendships, with teachers, with T.V., with Internet, with learning, with succeeding, with failing, with abundance, with scarcity, etc. – with you and to help him make sense out of it all in as many different ways as possible, not just in the way that it may make sense to you. Such parenting would probably feel like “love” to the child, though I am not sure if they care whether it is “unconditional” or “conditional” so long as you don’t keep on saying “I love you” to your child every now and then.
I can love someone and have expectations at the same time so long as I do not IMPOSE my expectations on him or her, so long as I do not judge the loved one for not understanding and for not trying to fulfill my expectations. It’s even Ok to communicate my expectations to the loved one; I just have to be willing to make room for differences of likes, dislikes, preferences and priorities.
Children get affected by how parents act and react with them right from birth, and it’s late before they begin to realize this or when they start making their parents also realize this, because by that time parents have already began “forecasting”, or at least imagining, how the child will probably turn out, or not turn out, as an adult and have already started to react to such thoughts with feelings of helplessness and frustration. If parents can become aware of this absolutely self-fulfilling “forecasting and imagination” and stop it, then they can begin to be empathic with the child so as to engage with him to discover how their actions and reactions are affecting each other, their relationship and what they might be wanting and getting from it.
Very Interesting Post- Josh
In my understanding the emotion of unconditional love is practical only when the relation of the individuals has reached a level of understanding each other value’s and there is a very strong sense of belonging and ownership , where one by default will live up OR act upon each one belief and expectation.
But we as responsible parents, managers, colleagues, and friends must not let this unconditional love lead to state of complacency wherein the basic needs of human existence/expectation is compromised.
Life around us would become so boring if each one tries to APE or REPLICATE somebody else dream or personality and lose the ORIGINAL identity of oneself, which is so unique to each one of us.
Let us learn to accept What They Are and do not create What They are NOT, Reinventing a wheel has most of the time been futile and energy draining.
Hi Josh,
Nice post.
I have a couple of thoughts, some are my own and some are the principles of some practices that I’ve found myself aligning with more as I’ve matured.
Firstly, the notion of unconditional love is a myth. Love is always conditional. Why is love always conditional? Because we are human and always thinking and feeling and the prevailing conditions will influence us. This is how come we can be exasperated with a child in one moment and return to love a few moments later when the conditions change.
As an aside – to imbue animals with human emotions is to assume knowledge that it is impossible for us to gain – it just our story about what might be going on within them. We have no idea what is going on behind their eyes, we simply tell ourselves a story about how they (at least) love us unconditionally.
Secondly, love isn’t actually an emotion. Most people mistake being taken care of for love as they’ve failed to sit down and think about what love is to them – and when they do ‘think’ they realise that it is very tied up with sense of nurture and how they received nurturing in their childhood. As with animals, a certain degree of nurturing is kind of instinctive in humans – I think it is related to oxytocin. So, within my practices love is a verb, what you do rather a noun to name and claim an emotion.
Thirdly, perfection is both impossible to achieve and undefinable – my notion of perfection can never be your. Within my practices we have the notion of being perfectly imperfect. And while I’m not religious, I am fully aware of the mistranslation that led to people thinking the bible concept was “be thou perfect” which is impossible and leads us to externalise what should be internalised, when the more accurate translation is “be thou wholehearted” which is an internal state and is something that is achieveable.
Well said. Someone else has said “Love is a policy”. I think we have the power to be merciful most times.
Hi Josh,
Great post. I have recently decided to try not to have expectations for how life should be or, how others should be or what I felt they should do. Having only expectations for myself saves me the disappointment of not getting what I wrongfully expect of others. It helps to truly have unconditional love and respect.
Lori ::-)
Josh,
Thank you for your open and honest post. As parents, we never intentionally say or do anything that we think would limit or create barriers for our children in the future.
A friend and I recently designed a course to help parents of troubled teens. The majority of the content is based in choice and reality theories. A few key points we share in the training are:
1. The only person I can control is me. We can’t force change in our children or force them to be or do what we want them to do. The best way is to model the right behaviour (and that includes how we choose to interact with them). Sometimes, we need to let them experience the consequences of their choices. There are no better teachers than lessons learned.
2. William Glasser (MD and author) advises us to avoid the 7 deadly sins when dealing with our children. The deadly sins are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing and rewarding to control. Instead, create an environment of trust and self-control.
3. Ask yourself “Would I talk to my friends or a stranger in this way?”. If the answer is no, why are we choosing to talk to our kids this way.
I like Kerry’s idea of focussing on the things that our children are doing well. According to Appreciative Inquiry theory, you get more of what you focus on. We are often very quick to focus on the bad stuff. Great blog!
A thought provoking article. Thank you. We find it difficult to practice the unconditional love even when we try to. In the society we live in we are constantly judged, respected and valued by our achievements, money, power, status etc. We tend to fall back on this mindset everytime. In this context, if the child does not do well as expected, we fear that they get labelled under achievers, we fear for their future and security which may result in parents pushing their children and use harsh expressions though they may love them unconditionally no matter what they end up with. I think the endeavor should be to make the child realize his full potential in the field he or she is passionate about. Their calling should become our calling. I think the secret to make it happen lies in power of positive communication, positive words used, positive tone of expression and positive body language. Saying this was easy part !!!
Dear Joshua,
As usual the answer is evident from the description of the dilemma, which, I must add, is virtually universal.
It is indeed necessary and possible to intervene, without using external control tools and techniques, where we feel compelled to assist out of love, concern and, sometime, even duty. There is no ‘fit all’ formula but some of the following do help:-
(a) Avoid instant, negative reaction / corrective action.
(b) Do not change your patterns of interaction.
(c) Modelling
(d) Providing information on options.
(e) Equipping appropriately ( Resources, training, assisted performance)
(f) Never letting go of the love, actually and as perceived by the recipient.
(g) Accepting limitations and modifying your own expectations.
(h) Sense of Humor.
With your vast experience and knowledge I am sure some more guidelines can be added.
Warm Regards,
Hitendra Chimni
.
I have raised my children with unconditional love and allowed them to grow and learn by falling with a helping hand to pick them up. I am not sure if this was the best path, it has been scary at times, it also includes a no when they cross lines they cannot. Currently I have one in the Army, one that wishes to study cosmetology, and one undecided. I will let you know in 20 years if they are happy with there lives. I will not care how rich they are, how many grandchildren I have, only that they can take care of themselves and they are happy with what they have created.
Hi Joshua. Thank you for the post, loved it.When people complain about high expectations I understand and know that the low ones aren’t better. I think the issue with expectations isn’t the expectation itself but the reaching part and what you experience in the process mentally and emotionally. To me, the only person who can meet one’s expectations is oneself. (Even the ones for others I think they’re connected to something we didn’t achieve for ourselves.) Unconditional love is to accept oneself as one is (the good, the bad, the odd, the all package)first, so you can love others unconditionaly . Once this is done, there’s a way to meet one’s expectations because they’re close to you, you don’t have to reach that far. This process will bring one closer to others and instead of having expectations for them one will give them hope through achievement and acceptance. No pressure, just freedom to be all each one of us can be. I found out that in order to get what I need it or want I have to provide it myself, I mean, I’m the only one who knows exactly what it wants. The challenge is to get it starting from scratch. The others are here for sharing love, insights, joys, to spot our «blindspots» or introduce us to new worldviews, to walk with us not for us. They aren’t here to make us happy, we are.
«Do we make that commitment based on an expectation that they’ll change to be what we REALLY want, or based on who they are?» this sentence reminded me of a quote I read years ago. I think it applies although in a different context.
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
― Albert Einstein
Again, expectations.;-)
Without a complete definition of “unconditional love and acceptance”, this question is unanswerable for me. My client population includes people who require intensive supervision and continual vigilance for self-protection. Obviously, one can limit the relationships and find a specific answer. There have been too many deaths associated with the concept of “unconditional love and acceptance” + “forgiveness” for me to engage in a highly philosophical discussion. Life intervenes quite often in my practice.
My initial reaction was to reply, there is no cookie cutter “right” response to each person in each situation. After reading the numerous responses, I see that others share that thought. I try to remember the Golden Rule and to learn from my + others experience (hind sight is 20/20, + some of us learn from our mistakes). I come from, + often work with others from “the dark side” where love and acceptance were twisted or didn’t exist. I like the thought of peace, love and harmony, but I recognize that the good exists in fluid relationship with negativity + conflict (see Mother Nature…). Hopefully we teach our children “stranger danger”, so not to be open, encouraging + accepting of people or situation that could put them in harm. In some situations kids (+ adults) need “tough love” + consequences which don’t seem to fly in realm of warm-fuzzy unconditional love + acceptance. People who live with (past or present) violence, abuse, fear + danger often do not have a good understanding or feeling of “unconditional acceptance + love” (invisible scars can be more damaging + last much longer). I pray that there are good angels that can touch their lives. There is ample evidence of bullying + threats to job security in the workplace that may be ignored or sanctioned by business leaders, and that abuse is real + hard to process. So every person, every situation is different + similar. My advice: 1) think before we speak; 2) do not measure by our own experience + standards; 3) be aware + open to all possibilities — willing to learn; 4) ask others what they need from us; 5) employ love + toughness; 6) be active + engaged with community + humanity; 7) be a good example + mentor; 8) enabling is not loving; 9) keep our children safe / teach them safety; 10) take our own advice.
Hi Josh,
I can relate to what you are saying about negative self talk which condemn’s others
with demeaning naming. It causes me to question my own heart at such prideful and destructive thinking. I seek to help my children reach the wisdom of kindness that can be reached when they observe adults around them speak the truth in love. They know the difference between a parent’s concern for a child’s welfare as cotrasted with being regarded as a satellite of a parent and a parent’s fear of failure. I admire the writing of Tara Singh in his book titled “How to Raise a Child of God”where he says trust frees the mind-not education. My hope is to raise good Christian children who can be good citizens, good members of their community, critical thinkers and wise people. Thank you for raising this dialogue.
Hi, Joshua! Thanks for giving us the chance to think. I just want to add some prayer so God would help me to encourage people around me, because it is easy to say, but difficult to do.
HI! Josh, My friend and my son both in their words said, How if we as parents give a choice to say ‘NO’ to our children? No pressures right? we forget somehow (because our own pressures as No time to make mistake brings A whole lot of pressure, Pressure of maintaining image of us and image we create of our kids for us and pressure of tactfully avoiding things we don’t want from the list we provide to them) that we need to be that open with our kids, spouse, colleagues, subordinates, that they can also have a choice to say ‘NO’. It May will help to create the wholeness in Openness, Acceptance, unconditional love and space for a good dialogue. Your article is so insightful and Inviting that wrote a lot of other questions connecting to the topic as they suddenlly emerged in me. They will take a lot of space so sending an email to you. thank you so much for this Article.
Hey Joshua , thanks for stimulating thought process. Over the years , through self awareness I have acquired the art to love myself unconditionally . Its been not so easy a transition, maturing from comparing myself to others , experiencing very short moments of joy (when I prove to be one up someone else) , struggling through longer duration of awkwardness,inadequacy to a calmer self assured state of self acceptance. There was a time when voice from within me would get drowned in the cacophony of expectations barged upon from without. Hence what to expect from my own self went disregarded almost always. However , i stepped aside on one occasion and allowed myself to just ‘be’. It didn’t take me much time to realize that I was actually not realizing even a small minuscule of my potential and caliber . And the reason being -no touch base with my self. Meeting parameters , standards set by outside agencies and feeling high on a sense of achievement , it all gives us immense happiness but I soon discovered that challenging my own limits stimulated me to set higher standards and live moments of happiness and sadness alike . Having evolved to a much peaceful state of self acceptance.
Ever since I have unleashed unconditional love on my self I have began to introduce it to my children too. Achieving higher standards in academics is an evidence of performance , there are times when my son fails to show signs of any evidence at all, I rebuke him hard but not because he failed me or societal standards , but due to his failure to unleash his potential..
At workplace too we see many a times organizational goals lay unrealized , human resource confined to their jobs/tasks seeking security and ‘conditions apply’ claims pushing everyone to achieve targets. Self actualization is neither aimed for hence remains an attitude of only a few who think beyond established standards , expectations and acceptance from others .
Getting mad when things remain undone or when inappropriate behaviour is exhibited is a natural response if it originates from the need to establish self esteem and not evoked out of fear of rejection or condemnation from outside. The journey from being emotional to emotionally intelligent begins from within.
As it is said, ‘we see the world not the way world is but the way we are’, so I did start practicing unconditional love , however by first applying it to myself . I love my self even in moments I fail and same applies to my children , husband, friends, colleagues , relatives everyone , yet I aspire and put all endeavours to not repeat failure because I love myself and would not fail my self .
Yes, I believe that’s why we’re asked to live as couple in this world. Sharing and bringing out the best in one another and so make our children more beautiful than us – it is unconditional love in my view.
There are those who break up – they’re not living fully.
Expectations exisit on job descriptions and we agree to and are paid to fulfill theseç
At the same time a person’s goals need to reflect the needs of the organization and their own growth within it. Motivation is a powerful tool and each individual is different. Its important hat we set high expectations but support and nurture each other as we grow. The sense of community and our place and contribution within it is important. Havent we all felt pride in being a part of something great where we are valued?
Hi Josh
– as always you rattle many cages …some of mine, too, although giving that a little more thought, perhaps I share them all.
Recent reads, elsewhere, have been quite thought-provoking, basically along similar lines –
“You are what you think…!” made me take notice
…as did – “LOVE is – unconditional positive regard…!”
Combine the two and that’s plenty to think about.
Hi Joshua, You have raised some very interesting points. Society (i.e. other people) sets standards for everyone. As parents we naturally want the best for our children. We want them to do well & that entails things like homework. As you know people are motivated…that comes with the human package. But they may not be motivated to gain things that we, being older, see the value of. Being a good skateboarder may make them accepted with their peers but would not be of interest to college admission folk. If young people had more long-term goals/fields/jobs they’d like to go into, they may see the connection with homework & their career desires. But it is ‘hard to put young heads on old shoulders’. When they in college they often turn themselves around & get ambition. You raised good point that feeling accepted whatever is so-o-o important – & often that helps them to gain confidence in themselves & to develop aspirations & goals. I’m sure you know this too but some children who are above average in IQ find school boring & uninteresting. Unfortunately, very little education actually is intrinsic motivating. A number of bright people who have become famous were poor or very ordinary students – Einstein, Winston Churchill, good company to be in. The love you have for your son will last a lifetime, way beyond the period for the school reports to arrive. Good luck & give him a hug.
Regards,
Kerry
Hi Josh, Thanks for the thought provoking article. When I was reading the 2nd paragraph, it sort of like “twang”!!! It hit me so hard that it made me do a-lot of self-reflections. This is exactly what I have been struggling with recently with my 8 year old daughter. I have to consciously and constantly pull my hand brake before I blurt out those hurtful words which I don’t mean it at all. I have to constantly remind myself that I should not impose my expectations on her but love her for who she is as this is the best she could perform at this moment. However, I do believe in giving her a gentle nudge once a while.
Thanks again for sharing as it makes me feel that I am not alone in this parenting journey. 🙂
Hi Josh , just to say thanks for this powerful reflection! I commit to share it with Debora, the mother of our fantastic son Davide, and with my best friend. Could be nice translate it and use it during a EQ Training in Italy. Thanks a lot with my BMHS 🙂
Hi! You have hit bang on the dilemma! Working in a school as a counsellor, I am surrounded by over and under expectations of parents and teachers towards their wards and students respectively; and its impact on the lives of young children.
At home too my husband and I often wonder if we need to push our children or will they push themselves when they find the ‘right’ tasks / challenges. But what if they have not learnt HOW to do so, what if we don’t teach what it means to go that extra mile??? At same the time, one wants to celebrate the uniqueness that each one has, to appreciate what each one brings in to this world…
To me, the answer lies in striking that unique balance for each individual – identifying the areas, the capacities and passions and then setting realistic targets. This is possible but then can one really gauge the potential of another person, however well we know them? Haven’t we ALL surprised our own selves with some or the other accomplishments, which never in our wildest dreams thought that we could do??
Hi Josh. Reading your post I feel encouraged to re-read the book “The Ethical Demand” by Knud Løgstrup. I read it some years ago and among other things I remember he had some interesting about the notion of “you should treat others like you wanted to be treated yourself” // Ole
One of the happiest moments of our lives.. when someone accepts us, appreciates us for the way we are! It’s really true that we want our children as per our own expectations for ourselves. Why don’t we let them live the way they want? This question actually put me in the situation of dilemma. Real life situations sometime override most fundamental psychological concepts. There are situations when we notice our children getting absolutely out of track. We try to make them convinced in a mild tone, try to communicate pros and cons of what they are doing. Still nothing works! How much I think not to treat them harshly, sometime I cross limits of my patience. I know according to EI perspective I am wrong but it is really difficult to bring changes in OURSELVES when behavioral dynamics get out of control. But I will continue to make effort, will definitely try not to impose my expectations on my children. Thank you so much JOSH for this enlightenment.
Unconditional love means non-contingent or non-dependent on set expectations, performances or productivity from others. Emotionally, we should strive to feel connected with others despite how they behave. However, if we love someone we commit to journey with them as they grow, evolve, and otherwise move forward – in their own desired way. So, we need to separate the behavior from the essence of the person. In other words, people “do” things that aren’t necessarily what they think, feel, or imagine themselves to be. A friend, or colleague who loves others for who they are ought to help them connect the “who they might want to be” with the “who they appear be outwardly” at the present time. I want the best for my children and it is difficult to contemplate that the best for them may not be the same as what constitutes what is the best for me. Often I superimpose my ideal on others, but my happiness occurs most frequently when others do not impose theirs on me – ironic. You inspired me to examine my feelings on my thoughts Josh, thank you.
I was moved by your paragraph about wanting your son to know he is loved and perfect. I thought about all the times my own mother always told me I was perfect… It’s only in retrospect that I can appreciate her intentions.
So many times along the path of growing up, I felt crushed to discover I wasn’t, in fact, perfect. I disappointed myself, but I also feared that I was disappointing my parents by making normal mistakes – as you said, your son, along with everyone else on the planet, will mess up occasionally.
I think I held on to my youthful self-perception of “perfect” as an emotional buffer to avoid feeling guilty or ashamed, even during the times that “healthy” guilt would have been appropriate. I believe I could have learned better from my mistakes if I hadn’t used those words I internalized from my mother as a cushion so often. I wish we had a better way to convey to children the difference between unconditional love and human fallibility.
Obviously, we are not loved because we are perfect, but yet, we can be perfectly loved.
Thank you for writing this piece. Very thought-provoking.
HI Joshua, I love your post. I have an almost 20 y/o daughter and a 16y/o son. I have high expectations for them AND I don’t judge them. That’s what unconditional love means to me, ‘Non-judgment’. From my own life, when I judge, I’ve learned for me it is about ‘projection’ more than anything. Even when I judge strangers, I ask myself, ‘What is it about this scenario that I need to examine’? I see a difference between discernment (no emotional harshness) and judgment (critical and scary even). My children know I have high expectations and when they fall…and they have at times, I don’t speak to them critically. I teach them ‘who they ARE is not the same as what they do’. Our character exposes our level of consciousness perhaps, and that evolves. Like the character on the stage of life, we need room to grow into new roles. Yet none of these roles are our, True Self, from a higher point of view. Judging can create self-defense mechanisms that ultimately cause people to protect themselves…not be who they really are or give to the world what they are gifted to share. So, for me, I expect great things from my children and those I lead and I see through their faults as much as I can, to their potential, not where they are in this moment in their behavior. Behavior can be changed. AND I kindly and strongly hold them accountability to what is expected…while loving them unconditionally (non-judgmentally).
Hi, Joshua! Thanks for giving us the chance to think. That is often my dilemma too. I, for one, would want to be accepted as I am and for what I am able to accomplish, but I also appreciate the times when significant others “pushed” me gently into achieving more by affirming my achievements in many ways. Hearing and seeing them value hard-earned accomplishments also encouraged me to do likewise
Hi Joshua,
I think that the keywords about the condition is : communication, or better communication, direct or not…and we always high frequency repeat our expectation, but we have to listen him/her carefully at the same time. Thanks for your sharing…
Hi Joshua. I appreciate your openness about a deep question. I believe people respond well to our encouragement to improve when they have chosen the goal. Not, when we have placed our expectations on them. Even when kids struggle with not wanting to do homework, if we can connect enough where they share their feelings, thoughts and goals, then we can ask them how we can help them improve. Most kids who don’t do homework don’t want to be considered a failure. The task can feel overwhelming or unimportant. When they feel loved unconditionally, they can open up and there is a greater chance they will allow us to support their growth process. Or, perhaps they are not ready to grow yet. Our relationship with our kids will be happier when we can respectt their temporary growth slowdown.
Thanks Josh! You are a great thinker and a writer. I really enjoy your writing.
As far as motivating people, it is easy to advocate pushing people. I ask what emotions drives pushing and what emotions does pushing creates in receiver? I think the other way to motivate people is to create passion in them so that they will be pulled by their passion for his/her goal rather than pushed by somebody. What happens when the source of pushing is gone? Who will that person blame if he/she doesn’t make it? I believe that the passion and purpose will stay with the person and keep him motivated. This will enable the person to create his/her own expectations rather than depend on expectations from the source that creates the push.
I ask people who believe that they achieved the results/goals because of the push they received, could they have achieved the same results with a different way? What would be the emotions along the way. Also, what messages are we perpetuating by pushing with anger/fear rather than by using a way that creates passion?
Hi Joshua! Thank you for inviting me to the discussion. I am reminded my father’s reply when my mother complained about his comment. “Next time please provide me with the notes and then I’ll be able to recite them.” I love to elaborate on ideas but I do not provide room for irrational out burst. My husband claims that if one waits long enough and allows me to analyze the situation at the end I will arrive to a correct perception. There is another statement that I frequent, “Because of my problem I cannot deal with your problem so we have to find the solution together.” In my opinion providing room for independence is a key to developing interdependence. Very best regards, Marika
Hi Josh,
I am very much like how you described yourself in your article. In a recent conversation with my brother I learned he feared our father growing up. I know my father although demanding wanted the best for us. However, at times he came off as intimidating. In my brother’s story he said my father asked him to paint out house one summer. While up on the ladder, my father shouted to him, “You missed a spot. If you do work like that you will never be anybody.” How do I know my father had our best in mind? At the same time, my father would say to me, “Why don’t you be like your brother? Look at all the good things he’s done.” I knew my father intended to push me and not knock me down even though it sounded that way. I know he meant the same for my brother. By the way, my brother pushed himself and ultimately became the managing partner of one of Chicago’s largest local CPA firms. Yet, when I talk to my brother about things he will tell me on some issues, “he was stupid and should have done differently.”
I think my brother is anything but stupid and I am the first member of my family to earn a terminal degree. Did we push ourselves? Absolutely, but I would not have it any other way.
Acceptance = Loving (liking) the way she is and the way she is not.(wife,daughter,mom,employee)
Expectation = Having an idea, how people (things/events) should be. Expectation causes upset.
MY job as a father, husband, and employer is, to SEE the way they ARE, and not the way they ARE NOT, and nurture that.
Merooj Aghazarian
Relationship consultant
Please know with my grammer being poor and second language I come accross very direct, when speaking I’m very kind , passionate and expressive .
My emotions do not always show themselves , it takes awareness of thaught and how it is catastrofic / negative , or unlikely.
My jurney into awareness has allowed me to recognice my emotion because of my present thoughts.
Effecting my external expectation,
Putting yourselfe out there( in a situational manner ) forces emotion and opens the door to be resipicated if they choose. Wonderful for team work and results.
Purposely I have not read any coments, so hear goes. external expectations for myself have been the greadest challenge . Presenting myself in a way I wanted to be seen and excepted never allowed for female friendships . Ouch My expectations now except that not everyone is going to like me and thats ok. I have completly changed through self exceptance by offering my weeknesses and triggers plus strengths. example : my grammer is poor, inreturn no one expects me to write a document. A emotional trigger is I have no talurance for gossip and rumers , allowing less drama in my life, but most of all trust.I give without expecting in return. This is hard for people to stomach , they feel I have a ulterior motive or she’s to nice. This has mad me feel inspired ,greatful , hopeful and confident in creating new relationships even if they fail.
I had a similar experience with my son. After I responded negatively to his report card, he complained to me that I always focused on the bad grades and never on the good ones. He was right. Because I felt that I needed to push him to do better, I failed to encourage him in the areas where he excelled. After he pointed it out to me, I made an effort to change. In a turnabout, I had a new supervisor do a performance review with me where he focused on where I needed to improve – because, he said, he felt that I needed to be challenged. It was not a pleasant experience for me because I am accustomed to positive feedback. I thought back to my experience with my son and was able to understand where my supervisor was coming from- and to have empathy for what my son had experienced! I think we need to accept people for who and what they are, but we should be open to not only whether they need encouragement to excel, but how that encouragement should be expressed. Some people need positive feedback to keep doing well, some need negative feedback to make them realize that their performance is not acceptable. The trick is figuring out what works for a particular individual.
Josh, thx for the opportunity to do my homework too! I used to make critiques upon my sons unexpected behaviour and that, but soon enough I realized he didn´t improve at all, what is more, it all went downward, my wife was telling me I need to low my temper around my son etc. So, it was all about me and my difficulties that they had to be resolved, not his. I realized that children already strive to meet parents´ expectation, parents don´t need extra work for that matter, but what they need is just to accept children on their way and make sure they “travel safely” on their own. It is them who still need to find their own recognition & uniqueness. My son is only 5, and was already able to give me a reflection on how he feels what I should do in a certain moment to avoid conflicts, as he put it once directly, “Dad, you´re such a fool, don´t you know that yelling & arguing on how I didn´t do this and that as you want me to is only hurting me? Now you too have to go to your room, go calm yourself first, and then we´ll talk!” That was exactly what I needed, I just didn´t realize it. The role changing dynamics had actually helped me to become aware what does it mean to respect a given moment of mood and reflect on it. Only when attuned to our-selves can we get in touch safely with our children.
Some months ago, I wrote this quite visual poem (a brushstroke in my head) to tell myself out loud and all the parents that our kids maybe follow different rules, maybe behave in a way that seems a parallel system for us, but they are so alive! and when I look at them living, I feel both their power and their fragility, their energy and their emptiness. …and I know all these feelings. I cannot follow them skating or snowboarding, but I may definitely connect to them through emotions. quoting the book/movie “the perks of being a wallflower” … they are infinite … as we are.
thank you Josh!
Ilaria
Parental advisory (explicit content)
They are here
spray paint and marker pens
They are here to show
our defacement and vandalism
They are here to show us and kick
our ass our laws our bourgeois respectability
They are here to show us and kick against this idea
of unsustainable stability
They are here to show us and kick against this idea because they’ve got no fear
about death about governments about dominant thought
They are here to show us and kick against this idea because they’ve got no fear, they use the power
of freedom, expression, creativity, mercy and generosity
They are here to show us and kick against this idea because they’ve got no fear, they use the power to write down
their fragility their energy their sufferance their misplacement
They are here to show us and kick against this idea because they’ve got no fear to be opponent
when we are absent, when we decide for them, when we change the rules without their engagement
They are here to show us and kick against this idea
of the ruling class and the perfect family and the perfect life
They are here to show us and refuse
parents who scream and abuse, the bully mates, the violence, the prejudice
They are here to show
respect to the world, to the earth, to human beings
They are here
asking for protection, begging us to stop these fights
don’t you see them?
Not easy in the corporate world if after much support and acceptance … complacency sets in and old habits die hard.. How much does a leader accept before expressing real disappointment .
As always, our firry friends(eg: cats, dogs, pets) know and apply unconditional love better than any human.
How likely are we to love unconditionally, uninfluenced by how a person look, gender, color, nationality, fashion, posture, behaviour, relationship, educational, financial and social background?
Is this a human flaw, or can human really be trained to bypass all identities and labels, and love unconditionally anyway?
Hi Josh, Thank you for profound questions,
I see love as an emotion that should be absolutely non dependent on any externals. When we become aware of this dimension of love, we will be able to shield ourselves from the external influences/disappointments of kids/spouse/employees/employers/friends/–. This will allow me the freedom to be an agent of positive change to inspire and help others manage their emotions in times of crisis and disappointments.Very often, when my expectations are not met, residual emotions that is left in me is disappointment. It is hard for me to function and influence positive change from a negative emotion of disappointment. Instead I am learning to navigate through this emotion and choose hope, which will enable me to help others to be motivated and see the potential in themselves.
In conclusion, emotion of love should enable me to rise from disappointment and empower me with empathy to bring the change that I desire not just for myself but also in others to reach their potential by empowering then with positive emotions that are crucial at the point of failure.
A very thought provoking post Josh … thank you! I support Sue’s point above, unconditional love doesn’t give you the right to speak to the loved one in any way that satisfies you. Our children come through us not from us (Gilbran), and we have a responsibility to model for them how to nurture others. I sometimes hear myself chastising my children for the issues Josh mentioned and immediately regret it. When this happens, I go back and apologise. More often than not a very fruitful discussion then follows with us both accepting that we make mistakes and looking for how we can help each other with them.
Great post Josh. Maybe the unconditional bit is about loving someone whether they choose to be a waiter or a doctor; marry or not marry; have kids, not have kids; complete a degree or not; be gay or straight. Expectations can be good – think of the pygmalion effect – it just depends on how we communicate those expectations. I can expect you to be the best person you can be, to be happy and to live your life according to your values. I can expect you to practice and try and put in effort and encourage you to have a growth mindset. I can support you and empower you. Maybe it depends on the semantics we put behind the word expectations. I have high expectations of my team and they consistently live up to them. I can’t imagine having low expectations – maybe they would live to them too? Expectations for me are about belief and love.
I know sometimes that what my husband says about me is ‘right’, yet I react rather than respond. Maybe if I said to him ‘if you want me to do better at this, please say it like this and I’ll be able to listen better’ instead of reacting to the criticism, that might work. Easy to talk about, harder to do.