There is no question that effective social emotional learning (SEL) has massive academic, social, and personal value (evidence). “Effective” is sometimes a challenge.
Recently a student told me that she dreads the “SEL” class in her school because, “the teacher is so fake.” Predictably, she admits no willingness to honestly express herself in this forum. I’ve noticed that, especially with teens, their “radar” is up, and when adults posture (perhaps with the very best of intentions), credibility and trust evaporate.
At another extreme, many years ago we interviewed hundreds of young adults who had attended a school with the “Self-Science” process embedded, and over and over, they identified, without prompting, the value of SEL. In fact, just over 80% named Self-Science as the most valuable class they’d ever taken. What makes the difference?
In our EQ Educator training, we emphasize that the most basic ingredient for being an effective SEL facilitator is to be a practitioner yourself: To make emotional intelligence part of your own learning and life. This applies just as much to parents, counselors, and administrators as to teachers — and probably to all of us.
In considering some “SEL train wrecks” that I’ve observed and heard about, I notice three factors frequently emerge: Inquiry, Planning, and Power. Consider each on a continuum:
In “inquiry,” on the left, imagine an adult intervening in an issue between two kids. The adult enters the discussion thinking she already understands the situation. She might ask questions, she might even ask powerful questions, but the youth immediately “get it” that the the adult isn’t truly listening to the answers. At the opposite extreme, there are only questions, endlessly open-ended. Without meaningful observations and connecting the dots, the conversation never moves forward.
On the left end of “planning,” the adult is driven by his agenda. He has a “good lesson planned” and going through that process becomes more important than the reality of the situation. He doesn’t adapt (for example, noticing if the students are bored or tense or happy or sad). He follows his own agenda, and misses the opportunity to discuss real feelings and decisions because he’s so busy “teaching” the way he thinks the lesson should unfold. At the other extreme, it’s only process, and the opportunity for powerful learning is lost because of a lack of design.
With learners of all ages, “power” is a major driver, but perhaps with teens it’s the only currency. When the adult holds herself outside and above the group as “the boss,” they will see her as an obstacle rather than an ally. She can’t share honestly because that would give up the power of “being perfect.” She can’t flex because that might look like a loss of control. At the other extreme, we have Lord of the Flies; quiet voices are drowned out, and dialogue devolves quickly into posturing.
The challenge, of course, is to find balance in the middle ground. First and foremost, this requires us to accurately confront the current reality. When do I go to one extreme or another? What are my own habits, wants, and fears that can push me out of balance? If we’re unwilling to be fully honest — at least with ourselves — about our own “EQ messes,” it’s essentially impossible to teach others effectively.
In the middle of “Inquiry” is curiosity. Open, genuine, penetrating, flexible, playful and serious. Ask real questions, and learn from the answers. Even when the question isn’t answered, there are messages to hear. Call these out. Make observations (but not declarations). Ask around the corners and tease out insight.
To be balanced in planning, we need a structure for transformational learning, we need to over-plan and over-prepare to the point where we can drop the plan and let the learning unfold. Realplay is more powerful than roleplay, so watch for the moments of genuine emotion, struggle, hope, uncertainty, conflict, wonder… and weave that authentic experience back to reinforce the core concept that is valuable. Remember your goal is not to “complete a lesson,” nor is it to “just process,” but a perfect blend that awakens understanding.
Finally, we come to finding a balance of power. A lifelong challenge for all of us – it’s so easy to be provoked towards either dictatorship or victimhood. In the middle, we are building an alliance. We are open to the kids’ input, and when needed, we make the decision. We participate as part of the group, we reveal our true emotions and experience, and we maintain a clear boundary. When kids ask for more that we want to reveal, we don’t hide and pretend we’ve never grappled, we simply say, “It’s not something I’m comfortable talking about.” Some kids are amazingly adroit at pushing buttons, and trying to pull us into power struggle – great facilitators are like Tai Chi masters, simply stepping around to end up on the same side as allies.
I wish it were easy to follow these three principles. For myself, I know I’m more likely to slip off that gracefully balanced midpoint more often than not. Especially when I’m not at my very best, and I well remember how the relentless grinding pace of the school year makes that a dream for summertime.
And, it’s a process of learning. If, like me, you believe that teaching the skills of emotional intelligence is one of the most important gifts we can give children and the world, then we’re compelled to keep practicing. The good news / bad news is that these dynamics come up over and over, many times a day, giving us wonderfully difficult “gifts” of practice.
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Hi, This is my first year teaching health to middle school. It is so funny reading this 6 seconds because my last class was based on the EQ. I stayed up very late the night before creating and researching EQ for my lesson plan.
Well I did get through the lesson with some internet problems (up the stress a bit) and was amazed that for the most part the kids were responsive. ( Usually it is difficult to engage them with out some type of threat (loss of privileges)). I like the spectrum idea and keeping it simple with three basic concepts for me as teacher. Inquiry, planning and power. Thanks
I love your posts Josh! Being a teacher myself I connect with all what you have written. Thank you, as usual, for the useful and honest insights.
Silvia
Thanks Silvia!
@ Bruce– I am curious to know if ever you have tried the language from heart, and what does it say to you? You always have choice to say ‘NO’ to answer. Thank you.
We’ve discovered three core skill sets for SEL that roughly parallel your balances. Openness (supports safety), Resourcefulness (supports curiosity) and Persistence (supports Consistency). Each are important, each necessary but not sufficient.
Thanks Nate – I like your list too! I think you’re right that we can’t just have 1 skillset. We need to be open, but not TOO open… we need to know when to be open… and when to say, “enough.” How do we know? We use EQ to see. Just like we use IQ to see mathematical or linguistic data and use that to make a good decision, we use EQ for emotional data.
@Bruce – yes, and also one must remember that no adult can be in charge of what anyone else is feeling – child or adult.
Hi! I am a teacher, Parent and a researcher in emotional intelligence. What I found is, there are people they apply their Heart more than mind, and there are people they apply their Mind more than heart. That shows their rational and emotional behaviour. Those apply mind more have a tendency of rational behaviour more. and those who apply heart more have a tendency of emotional behaviour more. And those who apply Mind and Heart together, they also show higher levels of emotional intelligence. Emotional Intelligence incorporates and measures emotional centres with intellectual centres.
Wallin’s findings, (2007) show that, Such balance and centeredness makes us less vulnerable.
From then as a teacher & mother I always ask questions to me as, my mind is saying something to me then what my heart says, and when my heart is saying something to me then what my mind says to me? And I find that it works wonderfully, and dramatically. Being a researcher with SEI YV and a SEI Coach, I would try to give answers with What, How and Why? Basically why? why something is happening in my class with a student? and who is a teenager. Teenage is a very delicate age in our developmental stages. What exactly is happening in my student’s mind? What flexibility he/she wants? Am I empathic enough with my student? Am I teaching mindfully? and heart fully? What is missing? in one of my student’s life i found that, I am behaving extremely rational, I actually kept my hand on my heart and asked what is happening there what my heart wants to say? And I could help out that student fabulously.
In my school, where I am having research, I found that, one of the teachers is very bright, and very sincere in his work but unable to have good communication and contacts with people around. And when I asked him what does your heart say? what language is coming from your heart? And he said he will try to apply that from next time and will see how it is effective. And said that, “it works.”
Leadership in Education is a lot more challenging than before. But it is easier done with mindfully and heart fully together. Thank you.
Of course the adult is the boss. That’s the proper order of things. “Because I’m the teacher [or parent], that’s why.” Is a perfectly valid answer. Half the problems we’re having these days with our young people is that they think they’re in charge of their own lives, and they’re not. When they’re earning their own living and paying their own way in the world, then they will have the right to be in charge of their own lives; until then, they do as adults tell them, no back-talk.
Hi Bruce – thank you for the bluntness. I partly agree… Patty and I are strict parents, and as a classroom teacher I prided myself on being the clear authority. Yet, at the same time, we NEED kids to become more in charge of their lives. (a) They’re not going to turn 18 or 21 and magically be responsible. (b) Even young kids today are already faced with a lot of opportunity for bad decision making, and adults are not around all the time. So in our house, we have very clear boundaries AND we invite our kids to be leaders… even though they often disagree with us and challenge us. Ruling by the power of force is easier. The problem is that it teaches compliance based on fear, not ethical self-leadership based on principles.
Golden middle point of all three is so important for a teacher to give an Interesting and engaging, optimistic learning experience which leads to intrinsic motivation. Teachers actually can use the traps to bring EQ skills into action. Applying these in the workshop of teachers. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
I love the notion of balance and asking ourselves about what habits, wants, and fears hold us back. The genuine human state of curiosity and learning is a great leveller with kids I find, as well as with adults.
Thanks for the reminders!