Negotiating
Conflict with
Emotional
Intelligence:
4 Simple Steps
to Resolve Conflict
Recently, at a meeting, I witnessed an emotional intelligence train wreck. Opposing views led to entrenched positions and escalating conflict. As I watched, I just kept thinking:
It would be so easy to negotiate if people just used a scrap of emotional intelligence.
How? Here are 4 simple steps to resolve conflict and get agreement… get REAL about a solution:
1. Relax
When you walk into a meeting “wound up,” people immediately feel that. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming to attack them, or just stressed by something completely unrelated… if you walk in tense, or rushed, or anxious… you create resistance.
Neuroscience: Emotional contagion happens automatically — even the smell of stress triggers it!
2. Engage
I’m conflict avoidant. I make all kinds of assumptions that people won’t like me, they’ll attack me, et cetera. So when I see emotional complexities, my first reaction is to avoid. This, of course, almost always fails to move the situation toward resolution. The “secret” is to raise the issue in a neutral, curious way, for example: “It seems like we’re not quite connecting… I’m feeling some stress, how about you?”
Neuroscience: Simply naming emotions reduces reactivity. When we identify feelings and label them, we’re connecting the cognitive brain with the emotional experience — that’s the basis of emotional intelligence.
3. Align.*
When you are in conflict, people usually focus on their differences. Instead, emphasize your common purpose. What are you BOTH trying to achieve? What is your shared goal or purpose?
Let’s say you are giving feedback about someone’s work, and it’s not great. You can start by saying, “here are the 22 things wrong with your crappy work…” or, you can start by saying, “I want to be sure we’re on the same page about the goals. Here’s what I think we are trying to accomplish…”
As Daniel Shapiro, the head of Harvard’s International Negotiation Program, says: The secret to handling emotions in conflict is to move out of an oppositional, me-vs-you stance. More about that below.
Neuroscience: Trust is reciprocal. There’s actually an emotion chemical called oxytocin that’s the basis of trust — and a feeling of caring. When we’re working toward a shared purpose that we all care about, trust is likely to grow.
4. Listen
Think of the cliché used car salesman who talks a mile a minute trying to convince you… do the opposite. The “first rule of emotional intelligence”: When people feel pushed, they resist.
Don’t push: Pull. Offer. Invite. Listen. Make space.
Neuroscience: There’s fascinating new research on stress showing that, among other pressures, stress gives us a nudge to connect. In a challenging situation, stress can push us apart, but if you listen to what’s really happening for the other people, it can pull you together.
Negotiating Conflict with Emotional Intelligence
* More about step 2, Align.
In step 2, I mentioned the incredible insights from Daniel Shapiro (from Harvard’s International Negotiation Program)? He talked about moving out of an OPPOSITIONAL STANCE — and coming to stand on the same side so you & your former adversary are now standing shoulder-to-shoulder facing a mutual challenge. It’s not a technical, cognitive skill — it’s an application of emotional intelligence, and the Six Seconds process for practicing emotional intelligence:
Know Yourself, tune in. Notice your own feelings and reactions.
Choose Yourself, deescalate. Decide to get off of autopilot and engage.
Give Yourself, step together. Use empathy and your purpose to come together.
If you don’t want to get caught up in dissent, move so you’re standing next to the other person. One of the power-tools here is adding just a little empathy. When you bring empathy to the process, you tune in and hear what’s beneath the surface. You connect. You find that while you disagree, you’re actually in this together.
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Thanks Joshua – I really enjoyed the points you made
I think the answer is in the question.
As soon as we set up the idea that there is conflict we have created an oppositional mindset and it implies a fight. – Something that needs resolving.
I think it is possible to reframe how we think about these kinds of situations.
My experience is that we all live in very different realities and that seen from our own point of view what we are putting on the table makes perfect sense and is totally reasonable (most of the time 🙂 .
If we approach relationships from this perspective then its more about the way we engage: being vulnerable, open, responsible, genuinely curious and respectful about the other persons experience. When people share and receive from their heart a mutual place of connection is reached.
This does take a few pre-requisites:
The Emotional Intelligence to know what we are feeling, and be able to express it in words The courage and willingness to feel our own pain and show it to the other
The ability to also put our own agenda aside willingness to really let in what the other person is going through – to allow their feelings to rock us off ‘dead’ centre, to move us, open our heart so we can find compassion for them.
I find when this happens love is present (connection), the solution then seems less important and the ‘right’ thing to do becomes obvious.
well said. but for many of us…just naming our emotion is difficult.
esp when for forty years plus, I have learned emotions are something inferior & to be hidden. I notice very few experts in this field under age forty.
and I know now…..it takes years of steady practice to become emotionally literate & will take many more to become emotionally available!
I will use this today! I love people who provide solutions and not just re-state the problems. Thank you!
I know that when I enter a group and I am truly connected to myself then I know that anything is possible. When all parties work from their hearts and make true connection then common outcomes are possible. So the issue is that we must clear our misbeliefs / misperceptions about ourselves. Once clear then a true paradigm shift occurs. We become capable of whatever we want because there are no blockages in the way.
Nice article about handling conflicts. Note 4th bullit: as an aikido practitioner I would not pull either. That also creates resistance. Just Invite. The picture shows Morihei Ueshiba, founder of aikido. Thanks 4 sharing.
When you dealing with conflict, it assumed that we both want the same viable outcome to the issue at hand. However it’s just a matter of misunderstanding and seeking common ground. How do one deal with someone that is deliberately unethical by not abiding by the rules and fixated on proving they are the best even if it means manipulating the results. They will talk about fair play and the rules needs to be followed but their actions are not congruent with words. The question then is does this work only if there is a basis of inherent good value and principles of the individuals involved thus making this techniques practical by standing on the same side to look at the common problem.
Right Zahir, there are 2 very different cases:
a) both people are coming to the situation with positive intention but conflicting views
b) one or more parties just want to win at any cost, eg a psychopath
I would suggest we start by assuming (a) but need to recognize that sometimes the situation is (b).
Dear Mr. Freedman, I recently lived through a scenario with the identical characteristics as described by Zahir. When a party speaks about fair play and following rules, but their actions are the antithesis of their words, the results are typically deceptive and injurious. Do you have suggestions as to how to resolve a situation with completely unethical people? Thank you.
Hi Maureen, as I said to Zahir, I’d start by assuming that the person has good intentions and try to find the common ground. However, I recognize that’s not always possible. Often we make assumptions and attribute ill-intent, and often it turns out assumptions are wrong. But sometimes not.
If it’s really true the other person is unethical, then I don’t think you can “resolve.” You can protect / minimize harm / set boundaries. Document well. Be clear about what you can do from your side. Stay focused on your goals. Get help, even legal/law-enforcement help.
I guess the trick is not not confuse the 2 situations (misunderstanding vs ill-intent).
EFT’s Gotcha War Tactics echo many of the above, but are worth reviewing when faced with someone who wants to prevail by enticing you into being foolish. I started a Wikihow on the subject. http://www.wikihow.com/Win-a-Gotcha-War These tactics helped me live at relative peace with my every changing group of teens in trouble with the law. Not always, of course, but more than not.
You know I love this one. You are singing my song. Great stuff. BTW – that is not one of the great Aikido masters – that IS the great Aikido master and founder – Morihei Ueshiba or as he’s known, O’Sensei. I’d guess that picture is from the late 50’s or 60’s and O’Sensei is likely into his 70’s in the picture.