Hello!
For the next two Illuminates, we’ll be exploring each of the learnable competencies of the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Model. This is the seventh: Increase Empathy. You can go back to see the past ones here.
Illuminate: How Do You React to Others’ Vulnerability?
If you’re craving a long and fulfilling life, there turns out to be a surprisingly simple and well-researched solution. Whether it’s the 75-year-long Harvard Grant study or Susan Pinker’s research on longevity, research questions of “how do I live a good and long life?” seem to be quite simply answered: “Prioritize your relationships.”
I feel so grateful that these researchers have done the holy work of cracking this question, so that I can base my life around their answer! I now know what I need to live a long and fulfilled life. I need to focus on building authentic and reliable relationships. But what about the how? How exactly do we build relationships that will sustain us? How do we connect with people in our lives in a way that brings the depth and familiarity that is required to live a long and fulfilling life?
Another surprisingly simple answer: Increase empathy.
Empathy is one of the more challengingly simple practices to do. Basically, it’s listening to another and feeling what they’re feeling… without fixing, out-shining, or covering up.
Empathy comes from the root word ‘path’… which ironically means both feeling and disease. Practicing empathy is difficult because, in fact, while trying to do the first (feel!) we get scared of the second (disease!). So we start thinking protective thoughts like…
“If I feel their sadness, will I ever get rid of it? I should probably just stay away.”
or…
“This despair they’re sharing looks like a disease…I should try to fix it!”
or…
“I can’t share my real feelings with them… that would be like sharing a disease!”
Do any of these sound particularly familiar to you? Over the next week or so, notice your pattern around empathy. When others share something vulnerable, how do you react? When you want to share something vulnerable with someone else, what thoughts and feelings show up for you?
If we’re to build the kind of enduring and reliable relationships that research says brings a fulfilling and long life, we’re going to need to put down the shield and really feel with others (and, as a side note, with ourselves!). In noticing these patterns, you’re building the first steps of awareness around cultivating relationships that will sustain you + make your life one worth living.
REFRESH + RENEW EVERY MONDAY WITH ILLUMINATE IN YOUR INBOX!
Before making your observations for the week, what patterns do you suspect you’ll find around your empathy practice?
How might your awareness provoke deeper connections with others?
How would you like to feel while connecting with those who are important to you? How would you like them to feel?
PS- I’ve just completed my 70th coaching hour of the 100 I need to become an ICF-certified ACC coach– Celebrate! Have you been interested in trying coaching but don’t think you can afford it? Or want to learn more? Check out this page or simply respond to this email to inquire about my special coaching rates while I train 🙂
Illuminate is a weekly e-mail series that provides practical tips + galvanizing inspirations for practicing an emotionally intelligent life. In our time together, we’ll operate from the assumption that you have all the wisdom you need inside of yourself + that you have a purpose the world needs to see. We will explore the tools + techniques to illuminate your own inner wisdom and purpose. If you’d like to receive this free gift of goodness in your inbox every week, subscribe here.
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Marie, i recently took PC and i must say i look forward to reading your blogs. Very energising. I’m a coach myself, health coach. I’d like to be coached by you as i know i have work to do on myself. Let me know please 🙂
Hi Mohamed– thank you for your kind words! I will reach out to you. 🙂 -Maria
Wonderful article Maria, it truly throws lot of light on the true meaning of empathy. However in sharing our vulnerabilities, we may sometimes expose ourselves to emotional exploitation. How to handle that?Would love to have your views on this.
Hi Dr. Mohan, and thank you for your comment! I read something recently by Dr. Brené Brown about vulnerability in which she said, “you don’t just do it with everyone!” You do it slowly and gradually with people who slowly and gradually prove to you you can trust them. Will we get exploited occasionally? Perhaps. But if we are intentional about how and when we expose ourselves, hopefully we are rewarded more often than not. What do you think?
I find your article very interesting. I hear and see how sharing vulnerability can increase connection but at the same time I find it so hard to do because it makes me feel unsafe. I am working on building the habit in safe situations.
I have learnt how to be empathetic to develop a good relationship and connection with own selves.