The Empathy Iceberg:

​Would you act differently if you knew more about what’s going on in your employee’s lives, the struggles that normally stay beneath the surface?

For me, the answer is yes. When I know someone is going through a difficult time, whether it’s an employee or a friend, I understand them better. That creates extra patience and empathy. The problem? At work, we rarely see “below the surface.” We stay on the surface and experience the other person’s struggles secondhand, without the inside knowledge that would help us feel compassion. When we go deeper, we find the common ground — but that takes work and might feel uncomfortable, so we skip that. 

How can managers use emotional intelligence to get out of this cycle of avoidance and conflict? Here are 3 practical tips to adopt a more empathic mindset in the workplace, starting with a rare look “beneath the surface.”

by Michael Miller

Looking beneath the surface at a hospital

Human interactions are like an iceberg: On the surface is what’s visible, but the bulk of the iceberg is hidden below the surface. As explained in The Motivation Iceberg, people often pay attention to the visible behaviors, because that’s obvious. Understanding what’s really going on for people, however, requires us to tune in “beneath the water” to see more subtle drivers of thoughts & feelings.

As this video from the Cleveland Clinic illustrates, there’s a lot going on beneath the surface:

In some ways, this video offers a glimpse of empathy by taking us into the hidden stories. Since this video takes place in a hospital, it’s a sample heavy on life and death extremes. It’s also mostly-cognitive, and as you’ll learn below, the real power of empathy comes when we connect with feelings.

Human interactions are like an iceberg: On the surface is what’s visible, but the bulk of the iceberg is hidden below the surface. Would you have more empathy if you knew more about what’s going on “beneath the surface”?

Click to tweet

Would you act differently if you knew?

Imagine the ‘hidden stories’ your video would reveal. Start with people you know well and list some of what’s going on under the surface. For example, here are a few from my colleagues:

• Chronic pain
• Sick elderly parents requiring A LOT of care
• Relationship problems
• Mental health challenges

As you start making your list, do you notice yourself gaining a deeper understanding of why people may behave the way they do? As you learn more about ‘what’s going on under the waterline,’ you are beginning to leverage empathy.

Here are 3 proven tips for managers to engage people and create a culture of empathy in the workplace:

If you knew people’s ‘hidden stories,’ would you treat them differently? Practicing empathy at work isn’t just the right thing to do. It’s good for business.

Click to tweet

3 Tips for Managers to Practice Empathy in the Workplace

What are practical tips that managers can apply to practice empathy at work?

1  Stay uncertain and curious.

As we go through life, we’re constantly making assumptions, educated guesses and predictions – it’s part of how our brains work. These assumptions and guesses, however, are not neutral. There are many well-known cognitive biases that distort our perceptions — one is called  actor-observer bias. It’s the tendency to assume that other people’s actions are due to permanent personality traits, while our less-than-ideal actions happen because of external circumstances. Here’s an idea: Err on the side of compassion. Even if you don’t know what someone is going through, assume there is a lot more to the iceberg than you can see, and choose to practice empathy, even if it requires some imagination.

2  Embrace the discomfort of going deeper. 

In conversations with thousands of business leaders and employees over the past 25 years,  Six Seconds CEO Joshua Freedman says one trait comes up again and again to describe exceptional leaders: They go deeper emotionally – not just caring, but personal caring. 

What holds you or your managers back from doing this? Here are some common reasons: 

• I have too many tasks to do, so not enough time for messy emotions
• I subconsciously subscribe to the belief that it’s better to “leave emotions out of it” at work, even though research suggests this isn’t an effective strategy
• I’m afraid of unformfortabe feelings myself

Here’s an emotional intelligence tip to go deeper: Instead of ignoring tension when you sense it, bring it up in a neutral, curious way. “I’m noticing a little tension, is everything alright?” Or “Something seems off, is that just me or do you feel it, too?” Here’s how.

Showing vulnerability is hard, and does have potential costs. But always staying on the surface has real downsides, too. We end up with complicated and conflicting perspectives, and we’re not as accurate in our perceptions. When we go deeper, we gain clarity and build connections.

3  Offer support and ask appropriate questions based on your trust level.

For managers’ empathic actions to be effective, trust is essential. Engaging people starts with trust. In this series of articles, Six Seconds CEO Josh Freedman gives practical tips to assess, earn and request trust. One strategy he recommends to go deeper is to ask questions based on your current trust level +1. For a coworker you don’t know at all, the +1, could just be saying, “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds really challenging.” For a coworker with whom you have built up some mutual trust, the +1 could be something like, “Do you want to talk about it, or you got this?” Remember, too, that the context of that conversation matters. 

What would a 10% increase in empathy do for your bottom line?

Even if we just moved the needle a little – had a little more compassion, practiced a little more empathy – how would that affect teamwork and collaboration? If people inside your business felt more caring support from managers, how would they “pay it forward” in conversations with colleagues and clients? What would that do for retaining good people — and building great customer relationships?

Numerous case studies, such as these at FedEx, Komatsu and Siemens, document the value chain: Managerial emotional intelligence fuels empathy, which strengthens belonging — which fuels team performance. What steps will you take to create this kind of value in your workplace?

Here’s the full archive of case studies – is your industry already in there? https://www.6seconds.org/cases/

You may also like…