The 3 Parts of Empathy: Thoughts, Feelings and Actions

There are 3 parts of empathy, which have more formal names but can be more easily understood as thoughts, feelings and actions. When most people think about and discuss empathy, they tend to focus on the cognitive aspect, empathetic thoughts – ie “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.”  To truly practice empathy, however, all 3 parts are required.

Why is empathy important? It’s how we connect with others and build strong relationships, and research consistently finds relationships to be the top predictor of personal and professional success – and even longevity. Increase Empathy is one of the core skills in the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, which has been linked to life success in multiple research studies.

The 3 Parts of Empathy

Here’s a short description of each part of empathy:

1. Cognitive empathy

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s perspective and what they might be thinking and feeling. It’s the thinking part of empathy, and as the name suggests, it happens on a cognitive level. You make an educated guess based on your own knowledge and past experiences. You put yourself in the other person’s shoes, as the saying goes. This is a crucial first step of engaging with empathy.

2. Emotive empathy

Emotive empathy is feeling with someone – “your pain in my heart.” It goes beyond just the cognitive and is not above or apart from them, but together with them. You stand shoulder-to-shoulder with that other person and feel with them. We’re biologically wired for this, with mirror neurons that fire both when we experience an emotion and similarly when we see others experiencing an emotion. When we see someone being sad, for example, our mirror neurons fire and that allows us to experience the same sadness and to feel empathy.  We don’t need to “think” about the other person being sad – we actually experience it firsthand. This both happens automatically and it’s a choice we make to let ourselves experience that feeling with them, especially since we’re socialized to not let ourselves feel uncomfortable feelings. More on this socialization below.

3.  Empathic action

Empathic action is the doing part of empathy. It goes beyond simply understanding others and sharing their feelings: it actually moves us to take action, to help however we can. That comes in many forms, depending on the situation, ranging from direct help, to asking how you can help, to just sitting in silence with them and not “doing” anything, which is often exactly what that person needs us to “do.”

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3 Tips to Practice Empathy with Emotional Intelligence

Why do people stay in cognitive empathy most of the time?

Most of us have been socialized to ignore or suppress uncomfortable feelings – or even all feelings. As a result, it’s tempting to just stay in cognitive empathy and not venture into emotive empathy. Keeping a little distance is a form of self-protection, but as this article explores, there are real costs to that, too. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes on a cognitive level is just the start. It’s a step in the right direction, but it isn’t empathy in and of itself.

On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes empathy goes awry when we try to do too much. You want to help, so you interrupt to share your personal experience or propose a solution. This is the challenging nuance of empathic action. Sometimes it’s great to show empathy through action, but sometimes the best course of “action” is just to stand there with someone and not do anything. To just be with them. As our beloved network member and former colleague David Tubley likes to joke, “Don’t just do something, stand there!” 

Here are 3 tips to practice emotional intelligence and avoid common pitfalls:

1. Focus on the person’s how and why. Focus on understanding the how and why: how the person feels, and why they feel that way. 

2. Ask them if they want help. Make a genuine observation and offer. “It seems like you’re struggling with this. Would you like to hear about a possible way forward, or you got this?”

3. Offer suggestions, not answers. If they do want help, offer suggestions but don’t frame them as definitive solutions. “This helped me in the past, and maybe it can be adapted to your situation?”

Are you ready to choose Empathy?

Empathy is a conscious choice we have to make, and a skill we can improve. Considering how important relationships are in work and life, it’s arguably the most important skill there is.

Understanding the 3 parts of empathy, we can choose to practice empathy with our thoughts, feelings and actions – and make the world a better, more compassionate place.

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