What’s at the intersection of leadership, empathy & coaching?

What’s Wrong with Empathy? 🌱 EQ Coaching for Leadership

by Joshua Freedman, MCC

Do you coach for leadership? We live in a world with a stereotype of “strong leadership” that just doesn’t work. Many definitions of leadership revolve around ‘casting a vision’ and ‘directing resources’ – they’re rooted in the archetype of an 18th Century ship captain. Yet over and over, when I ask people about their own experience of exemplary leadership, a totally different story emerges.

As I explained in this LinkedIn update (one of the most-viewed I’ve posted): in last week’s Coaching Connections webinar, we did not ask, “tell us about an empathic leader,” or “tell us about someone kind.” We asked people to think of someone in your own real-life experience who, through their leadership, brought out your best.

A decade ago, I wrote this piece about being a leader worth following – in which I explain the sequence of questions we used in the webinar. When I first wrote this, what I didn’t realize is how this combination of attributes and behaviors is also a recipe for effective coaching.

Before you look at the image below, I’d like your help to check that hypothesis by taking a 1-question survey: What are the key behaviors or characteristics that make an emotionally intelligent coach highly effective?

Before you read on, please click here to share your answer

Now, take a look at the word cloud below.

Through the lens of the survey above – thinking about great coaches, what stands out to you in this word cloud?

(please answer in the comments below)

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Here’s the image:

Again, this was not a survey about ’empathic leaders’ or ‘kind leaders’ — this was about leaders who brought out the best from us. In other words: It’s about what drives real-world performance.

How does empathy help leadership — and coaching?

The Big Words are rooted in connection: Listen. Believe in me. Encourage. Trust. 

Imagine if you worked for someone who engaged with you this way — what kind of performance would be unleashed?

Remember, this word cloud was about LEADERSHIP, but it strikes me that almost everything in the cloud also describes an effective EQ Coach.

The next question is even more important: What’s stopping you?

Probably you read my book, At the Heart of Leadership, or the article I mentioned (Being A Leader Worth Following), or another piece with a similar message, a decade ago. This isn’t some carefully hidden secret. Yet it’s so rare that when we encounter a leader/coach who embodies these qualities, they make a lifelong impression.

For me, the barriers are almost entirely internal. My own expectation of others’ expectations of my role as ceo. Of coping. Of accomplishing. My own patterns around Doing more than Being. My own fear of breaking my heart on the rocks of a hostile world.

How about for you? For you to more fully embody the big words on this cloud, or the words you typed into the 1-question survey… if anything: What’s in the way?

And, in what ways might you need to grow and strengthen your own EQ to help you with that?

(please answer in the comments below)

What’s at the intersection of leadership, empathy & coaching? 

This, for me, is the heart of the journey of coaching. Being in that space of leading self to support others. To have the tools to confront the obstacles – look them directly in the eye without flinching, and without brutal self-criticism. Name it to tame it. Then to grow.

Coach thyself, from you, for you: Listen. Believe in me. Encourage. Trust. 

That’s what we find in the crossroads when coaching, leadership, and empathy meet.

How does this land for you as a coach? Please share a comment below!

And, if you have questions you’d like me to explore in a future 🌱 EQ Coaching newsletter and/or video, please post in the comments, or feel free to reach out to me via our contact form.

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For more on EQ and Coaching 🌱, I recommend: