Emotions at Work? 7 Principles to Rewrite the Unwritten Rules Build an Emotionally Intelligent Culture

January 2024

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All humans have emotions, and those emotions are going to show up in the workplace. Leaving emotions out of it is a fallacy. That’s not how humans work. But that doesn’t mean people – and entire companies – don’t try. In fact, suppression of emotions is a foundational principle in the traditional unwritten rules about dealing with emotions at work. These rules dictate what emotions are acceptable to express at work, when, and by whom.

The unwritten rules

Traditionally, those rules look something like this:

• Ignore or suppress feelings whenever possible
• Express “positive” ones only, especially if you are a minority
• Don’t make others uncomfortable with your emotions

There are serious problems with this outdated mode of thinking about emotions, for people and the organization as a whole, which we’ll discuss below.

But first it’s important to acknowledge that in most organizations, even these archaic and unhelpful rules about expressing emotions at work are applied in a discriminatory manner, and negatively impact some people disproportionately.

Two – or more – sets of rules

Sadly but unsurprisingly, not all displays of emotion at work are treated equally. Multiple studies have demonstrated how feeling rules are applied differently to men and women. The consistent conclusion: people judge emotions such as anger, sadness and frustration much more harshly when displayed by a woman than by a man. Women who cry at work can be seen as weak or unprofessional, while people assume men are dealing with external factors behind the tears. Women who display anger or frustration are seen as belligerent, and punished for it, while men who display anger are seen as confident and competent, and often rewarded for it.

Other research shows how feeling rules are enforced differs substantially depending on the ethnicity of the worker. “Data suggests when workers of colour display emotions, their feelings can elicit a different response compared to white workers displaying the same emotions,” writes Zulekha Nathoo of the BBC. “This forces BIPOC employees to self-monitor in the workplace, to guard against colleagues incorrectly interpreting their emotions in a way that adversely impacts their careers – significantly increasing their emotional load.”

Recognizing and protecting against these racial and gender disparities is one of our 7 key takeaways (below) for building an emotionally intelligent culture.

Moving on from the 1950s management playbook

In addition to disparities within organizations, there is a tremendous disparity between organizations in the rules governing emotions at work. Some still adhere to the management playbook of the 1950s, treating emotions as irrational, dangerous and associated with poor decision-making. These cultures tend to encourage ignoring or suppressing emotions. Meanwhile, other organizations treat emotions as a strategic resource, welcoming them and using them to build the right culture. These written and unwritten rules around expressing feelings and emotions create an organization’s emotional culture.

Every organization has an emotional culture, even if it’s one of suppression. And that culture has consequences.

The emotional culture matters. A lot.

An organization’s emotional culture influences employee satisfaction, burnout, teamwork, and even hard measures such as financial performance and absenteeism. Countless empirical studies show the significant impact of emotions on how people perform on tasks, how engaged and creative they are, how committed they are to their organizations, and how they make decisions.

Research from Wharton management professor Michael Parke found that when teams have supportive environments where members share their feelings and empathetically respond to each other, they can increase their ability to solve problems, elaborate information, and generate ideas. A healthy emotional climate creates safety, which creates the right conditions for innovation and collaboration.

Simple, right?

It’s easier said than done. Leaders are expected to motivate and influence people to optimal performance, but most feel ill equipped and have received little to no training in how to understand and actively manage how employees feel and express their emotions at work. Or they may regard doing so as not part of their job or even unprofessional – based on the organization’s unwritten rules.

Here are 7 principles to follow to create an emotionally intelligent culture that will contribute to higher productivity, better retention, and increased job satisfaction.

7 principles to rewrite the emotion rules and create an emotionally intelligent culture

If leaders want to create high performing teams and organizations, they must embrace the uncomfortable, messy, complex world of emotions. Employees increasingly demand emotionally intelligent leadership, and will not accept an outdated management playbook that treats employees like robots on an assembly line – or worse. Here are 7 principles to follow:

1. Listen to employee’s experiences so they feel validated and heard. Authentic listening builds trust, and our research has found repeatedly that trust is at the center of high performance.
2. Make room for all feelings, even uncomfortable ones. ​Concealing unpleasant feelings beneath a veil of positivity doesn’t make those feelings go away. It often makes them more intense and likely to be expressed in indirect, unhealthy ways. Plus emotions are just messages from ourselves, to ourselves – and when we ignore them, we’re missing out on valuable data. When asked about the key takeaways of his research on high performing teams, Wharton’s Michael Parke offered this: “I think most significantly and probably urgently for leaders is having the courage to deal with emotions, and not just the positive ones, but being curious, validating people’s experiences, not trying to shove them away, not trying to ignore them.”
3. Model the emotions – and thoughts and behaviors – you want to cultivate. If leaders speak about one emotional culture, and create another with their actions, that erodes trust and leads to a myriad of issues. It’s a leaders’ responsibility to establish which emotions will help the organization thrive in any given moment, model those emotions, and reward others for doing the same.
4. Avoid surface acting and a culture of fake positivity. Surface acting isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes people conform to an organization’s norms for the sake of fitting in, and that strengthens those muscles, which become a healthy habit over time. But research shows that surface acting can eventually lead to burnout when it’s relied upon too much —particularly in the absence of any outlet for authentic emotions.
5. Actively protect against bias. As discussed above, there are real gender and racial inequities in the rules that govern emotional expression at work. Leaders must be aware of these biases and actively create a culture that counteracts them. This starts with leaders developing self-awareness and other emotional intelligence skills.
6. Measure your emotional culture. Many organizations say they value cultivating a healthy emotional climate. But most take no steps to measure those feelings. They have no data about the current reality, or plans to improve it. So why would employees believe that those values matter? It’s important to measure these critical outcomes and link the emotional culture to operations and processes, including performance management systems. Our Vital Signs suite of assessments measure key drivers of performance like trust, joy and motivation. Contact us if you’d like to learn more about our emotional intelligence and climate assessments.
7. Grow emotional skills throughout your organization – starting at the top. Emotional intelligence skills are measurable, and learnable, and have an outsized impact on a company’s performance and bottom line results. Yet one survey found that more than two-thirds of organizations (68%) do not have any formal tools in place to identify, develop or leverage emotional intelligence.

They are missing out. Those that invest in growing its people’s emotional skills have a real competitive advantage.