100 Years of Learning: SEL Pioneer Anabel Jensen and Mentee Krish Butani Share 6 Life Lessons on Empathy, Emotional Intelligence and More

by Anabel Jensen and Krish Butani

This post is part of a series by Anabel Jensen, our beloved 84-year-old President of Six Seconds, and her 16-year-old friend and mentee, Krish Butani. Dr. Anabel Jensen is an American educator, author and the co-founder and President of Six Seconds. A former director of the Nueva Learning Center and CEO of Synapse School, Jensen is a leading pioneer in the field of social emotional learning (SEL). Krish Butani is a high school student in California who started 1-to-1 tutoring sessions with Anabel during the pandemic. Through the weekly sessions, his academic performance improved and his interest in emotional intelligence grew. Krish is passionate about exploring the intersection of emotional intelligence, technology, and creativity, where he sees endless opportunities for growth and innovation.

Anabel: I believe in the power and the importance of emotional intelligence. I have devoted the last half of my life to this topic—from creating a non-profit whose mission is spreading awareness, teaching skills, and assessing growth, to speaking, consulting, and volunteering with a variety of school projects committed to the same outcome.

I met Krish four years ago while consulting with a private school committed to the SEL growth of gifted students. It has been a fascinating journey to watch Krish’s growth in this area. He’s a tremendous young man. This blog post series is a natural progression of our work together over the years.

The first question is, “What are 6 lessons you have learned in your life?”

Here are six things Anabel has learned in her 84 years living on planet EARTH. 

Anabel’s Six Lessons

1  Integrity is everything. Mark Twain wrote, “The two important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. Here’s my story: When I was a first grader, I stole a classmate’s protractor. I was fascinated by the circles, lines, patterns I could create with his protractor and colored pencils. When I was demonstrating my skill to my father, he was not impressed because he knew it was not mine. We had a long talk (it seemed to me) about truth, honesty, and integrity. I agreed to return the protector to my friend and to apologize, which I did the very next day.. I was mortified and embarrassed. The incident did not end there. My father helped me establish a goal and a method to earn money, so I could purchase my own protractor. My father was a man of integrity and this instance helped me to understand the value of integrity within each of us. As I grew and met people who knew my father in the business world, people always mentioned his integrity–his actions in all his worlds always illuminated his beliefs and values on the inside. So when I first began constructing my noble goal I knew it had to include the word integrity. For me integrity means being confidential, being reliable, avoiding gossip, keeping promises, respect for others and their life-style choices. admitting mistakes, sharing the load and sharing the glory. At the end of each day, I look at my noble goal, which is: Use my voice to teach accountability and compassion so that integrity floods the globe–and I ask myself how did I demonstrate each of those items today?

2   I believe in the power of unconditional love – giving without expecting anything in return. So, 30 or 40 years ago I decided there was not enough love in the world, so I now end all my letters, email, texts, phone calls–with sending love. Essentially, love means I have your back, you can count on me. Even when I am tired, don’t have time, or irritated and annoyed–I am available. Only love has the power to dispel darkness, despair. Hatred is a burden; love is freedom. Hatred lets us defer blame. Rather than accept our part in the misunderstanding or argument or conflict, we blame the other person, another organization, or another country. Think of one person you love–what have you done recently to convince them of your unconditional love?

3   Judgment is only bad if it lacks empathy. I often hear people say, “ be non-judgmental.” I find this counterproductive and delusional. The human brain is relentlessly critical. We are born with 180+ cognitive biases. Our judgment is ever present, so I work to temper mine with sensitivity – perhaps some compassion (empathy). I am deliberately open to new research, new data. The truth isn’t static; it is growing and changing. People often tease me and tell me that the epitaph on my gravestone will be: “And, research says…” Current data suggests that we judge others on their actions and ourselves on our intentions. I recommend we do the reverse: judge others on their intentions and ourselves on our actions.

4   Gratitude needs to be present every day. We must practice this element more often. I see the toxic vanity of ego every day at work, at home, and at play. It never ceases to amaze me how often ego wrecks promising creative endeavors. A favorite new book of mine is Ryan Holiday’s, The Ego is the Enemy. No one person how matter how many degrees or how much money they have collected, has all the answers. No one company, business, school, restaurant, or family survives on the wisdom of one individual. It is only by combining the skills, insights, and “aha” moments of all good thinkers together that we will be able to solve the problems facing the globe currently. Therefore, I recommend making a daily list of the people to whom you are thankful today. Who is on your list? What will you thank them for?

5   Optimism equals hope. My favorite SEL or EQ competency is Exercising Optimism.I put this element in the category of persistence, diligence, and grit. I believe, contrary to popular opinion, that yesterday does not create today (history is always repeating itself). Instead, I believe that our attitude about tomorrow creates today. Optimism equals hope. If you want to make more money, live longer, be healthier, then practice with rigor the skills of optimism. Recognize that adversities/obstacles (which usually occur, according to research, about 17 per day per person) are gifts – remember that they are Temporary, Isolated, and resolved with Effort – another word for hard work. I am firmly of the opinion that there is another solution–if we search for it with optimism in mind. My favorite guru on this topic is Martin Seligman, often called the father of positive psychology. Please read at least one of his many books. And, if you want to teach children about optimism read Sandra Boynton’s book,If at First…. Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.

6   Remember Anabel’s Exchange Principle. In one of my reincarnations as Head of a School, Brian, one of my teachers once asked me, “When shouldn’t you play the empathy card?” I replied, “You should always play the empathy card. It trumps fear, provides us with the courage to build bridges so that communication can be enhanced and relationships can be nurtured. Empathy is the core of any trusting relationship dynamic. Want to be a better leader, better friend, better mother, better daughter, better salesman, better inventor, or better partner–then examine and build your empathy skills. I do this by practicing Anabel’s Exchange Principle. Anabel’s Exchange Principle is based on the Locard Exchange Principle. Let me elaborate. Locard was known as the Sherlock Holmes of France. He is usually identified as the father of forensic science. The premise of the principle is this: for every burglar, murderer, etc, the individual leaves something at the scene of the crimen and takes something. For example, the perpetrator might leave a hair or dirt/gravel from sneakers, and he might take a fiber from a carpet, or paint chip from a wall, or a smudge of grease or oil from the kitchen floor. So, Anabel’s Exchange Principle says: whenever you have an interaction with another person (child or adult) you leave an emotion; it could be anxiety, expectation, excitement, etc.–and you walk away with emotional residue from the encounter as well. For me this means, whenever I have a conversation (in person, on the phone, via Zoom) with anyone–the clerk at the grocery story, the cop who gave you a ticket for taking on your phone while driving, a son who just had an argument with his girlfriend–I work to leave a piece of joy, laughter, hope. My wish is that this sentiment will get “paid forward.”

Krish’s Six Lessons

In my modest, yet significant, 16 years of life I’ve gleaned six significant insights that I believe encapsulate my worldview.

1  Humans are more similar than we are different. It’s easy to lose sight of this reality when witnessing the onslaught of war on the news or the latest political social media tirade. Yet, at our core, most of us share common values and aspirations, such as the desire to see ourselves and our communities thrive. This truth becomes especially evident in times of crisis, such as the global response to the COVID-19 pandemic. During the pandemic, people from all walks of life came together in a display of solidarity. Healthcare workers bravely stepped up to care for the sick, while scientists worldwide collaborated to develop vaccines and treatments. Despite geographical, cultural, and political divisions, the shared goal of overcoming the virus united us all.

2  Communication is our most effective weapon versus division. In his TED Talk, activist and musician Daryl Davis refers to communication as “the greatest, most effective, and successful weapon that we can use, known to man, to combat adversaries such as ignorance, racism, hatred, and violence.” At the age of ten, while carrying a flag at a parade, Davis was struck with rocks thrown from a racist crowd. Although he didn’t understand why he was attacked, his father explained racism to him for the first time, and from that day forward, he made it his noble goal to answer the question: ‘Why do you hate me when you know nothing about me?’ It was through communication—even with people who hated him—that successfully resulted in over 200 Klan members leaving and the organization dissolving in Maryland. In writing with Anabel, I observe the power of communication, allowing us to gain insights into each other’s lives and understand our similarities despite the differences in our lived experiences.

3  It’s all too easy to overlook the small joys and blessings in our lives – a tendency that I’m certainly guilty of myself. I am reminded of the words of poet and activist Maya Angelou: “This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” Transitioning to an outlook of seeing each day as an opportunity for exploration and growth has led to immense improvements in my day-to-day life. It allows me to bounce back from the bad days and reminds me that even if whatever happened can’t be undone, we have the power to choose how we respond and move forward. Angelou reminds us that we must live in the present and confront the future.

4  I feel that ultimately we all want to chase fulfillment. Happiness is not a constant state and there are certain to be ebbs and flows. However, I am convinced that fulfillment is attainable through cultivating a positive worldview and embracing a growth mindset. I’ve learned about the importance of maintaining a growth mindset from the work of Carol Dweck, a prominent psychologist credited with pioneering the concept. Dweck demonstrated that students who believed they could enhance their intelligence through effort and learning strategies achieved higher grades than those who believed intelligence was fixed. This astonished me when I learned about it and has significantly altered the way I approach my school life without viewing failures or successes as predetermined.

5  Always have fun and prioritize happiness. Fun is essential to your overall wellbeing and provides a sense of liberation. It’s exceptionally important to be a more capable version of yourself, yet, there is also a necessity to indulge in fun. Countries like Denmark for instance, consistently rank as having the highest levels of satisfaction and happiness. This is attributed to the cultural priority encapsulated in the Danish word “hygge” – representing coziness, contentment, and well-being in small things. Think of small, non-hedonistic pleasures like bike rides or spending time with family. Hygge represents reflecting on the small wins of your day to day life.

6  Life is not a straight path. I think this is something anyone who has ever lived can resonate with. I could write for hours about my own life and the various ups and downs I’ve experienced, however I believe the dynamic nature of life can best be seen through Paulo Coelho’s novel The Alchemist. Without spoiling the story, the novel introduces Santiago, an Aldulusian shepherd boy who embarks on a quest to discover his “Personal Legend”–the fulfillment of his deepest desires and true purpose in life. Along his transcontinental voyage, he meets numerous people, becomes quite successful, gets robbed by bandits and much more. Yet, his treasure continues to elude him as he travels a precarious journey. We all have our own treasures—a metaphor for our noble goals—and it’s our job to navigate through the hardships.

Reflections

Looking at Anabel’s list has further reinforced my belief that we are all more similar than different. Although I do see my insights as somewhat valuable, I begin to see how having more life experience provides you with stronger anecdotes that relate to your worldview. Reading the perspective of someone much older than me has been extremely insightful—I had never heard of Anabel’s Exchange Principle—and I should probably start reflecting on unconditional love more often.

Warm regards,

Krish

As I look at Krish’s list, I am impressed with his insights at 16. I do wish I had humor on my list. There are several wonderful things about laughter: first, it is free; second, there are no side effects–no contraindications. Norman Cousins recommended that we should be laughing at least 10 minutes a day for pain-free sleep. Also, classrooms should be experiencing fun, laughter at least twice a hour. Yay. Let’s laugh more. Ask the very next person you interact with, “What made you laugh recently?” Now you both can laugh!

Love,

Anabel