My family and I are back in Japan “on the way home” from our 10 weeks in Asia; almost 2 months ago we visited Kiyomizudera, the temple of pure water, in Kyoto — and there’s a scene that keeps playing in my mind.
We went early in the morning, and the grounds were echoing with peacefulness… until a group of Japanese schoolchildren came bounding down the path. Patty, Emma (now 13), Max (11) and I were enjoying the spring for which the temple is named, water cascading from the deep in the mountain. Ancient stones watch over the scene, moss creeping into the deeply carved kanji prayers. The kids were slightly rambunctious as they came around the corner, but it was actually the teachers who were most shrilly breaking the morning’s peace. They kept shouting for the kids to line up and then get into the right spot for a photo.
This is, perhaps, an archetypal story of contemporary Japan; clearly, for the teachers, the appearance of the experience was the point. Been there, got the photo, done that. But that’s not what’s kept this in my mind for the last month. It isn’t these particular teachers, but all of us:
Are we more interested in the appearance of the thing, or the thing itself?
For example…
- Do we want our employees to look busy, or to actually accomplish?
- Do we want our children to appear to do as they’re told, or to have inner motivation?
- Do we want to purchase the appearance of beauty, or revel in the beauty that only comes from within?
- Do we want people to act like they respect us, or to earn respect?
I remember, way back, when I was a teacher. After years in a military-like academy, a boy came to our school. “How come you let the kids call you by your first names here, it’s not respectful?” He told me that in his old school, children called the teachers “sir” or “mam.” I asked, “Did you actually respect all those teachers, or did you just say ‘sir’ because you didn’t want to get in trouble?”
There is a seduction of the surface. It’s easy to see. It’s easy to put in a photo. It’s easy to say, “We’re doing it right.” It’s just plain easier. As stress levels rise and we are too busy even to be busy, we skim. The surface is faster. Depth takes reflection. It takes ambiguity and curiosity and the effort of turning the wheel firmly enough to leap out of the deeply worn ruts in the roads of our minds.
I’ve written before about the challenge of focusing not just on behavior, but on the drivers. In our contemporary lives, there are a conspiracy of pressures that make it very challenging to do so.
I wanted to ask the Japanese teachers, “why are you bringing the kids here?” Not with any hostility, but because I’m curious if they’ve even thought about it. Are they doing this because “that’s what you do,” or because they have a particular goal? Then, we could consider, “is this way of doing the activity optimally contributing to your goal?”
Since my Japanse isn’t nearly good enough (and the teachers were much too busy getting the kids to the next temple), I’ve been asking myself these questions.
Am I staying on the surface because it’s comfortable and efficient and I’m too busy to live my own life? Or am I really engaging in each day?
Am I going through my days because “that’s what you do”? Or am choosing the moments intentionally?
All too often in these last two months, I’ve been efficiently skimming the surface. I’d love to tell you that I’ve figured out how to be awake every day… but maybe it’s a gradual process. Like dawn sunlight gradually reaching in the window to wake us up, growth unfolds. For now I’d like to ask myself these questions, and at least notice when I’m not noticing.
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Always been bothered by the question ‘What’s beneath the surface?’…never found the answer in terms of what to look for. Now I do..Thanks to the article!
”The challenge of focusing on behaviour or the drivers’….while behaviour is equally important in terms of the impact it creates in relationships, drivers are critical to ones understanding of what goes on beneath the surface, leading to a response rather than a reaction.
Reaction to behaviour is based on assumptions and leads to wrong expectations or strong judgements. Looking for drivers changes the surface reaction to thoughtful, compassionate or a meaningful response….Giving Yourself what is important, cutting out all the ‘Noise’ that the Ego makes.
Beautiful Article Josh!! Thank you so much for making me take a step back from my ‘autopilot’ mode and reflect on what actually matters…surface or substance.
I enjoy your easy-to-read and conversational style of writing.
Some very questions raised in the article. I think what happens to most people is that they live in patterns of habits. They scratch the surface of things because they are not busy and because they cannot see the immediate effect of those habits on their daily lives, they carry on doing the same thing. Gradual consequences give people comfort and false hope that things will be “ok” when they change their habits ” some day”. It takes a serious shake or a blessed awakening to realize that we are living like robots and barely scratching the surface of everything we touch and everyone we meet in our lives. It does not come without a price though…but the taste of real honest engagement with life in its deep forms is delightful beyond any measure
Hi Josh,
An excellent reflection about how go deeper on, how we exercise mindfulness to what we think, feel and act and what motivates us to do what we do.
The question that you do “Are we more interested in the appearance of the thing, or the thing itself?” Reminds me what is happening now in Nepal.
Two Portuguese, in vacation, arrived in Nepal on the day there was the earthquake and the following day they faced with a scenario of escape. 29th April, as expected date of the flight that led them to continue their holidays for other Asian countries, they decided to do what they could, buy groceries and distribute to the people sleeping in city parks. No presumption, reported what they were doing on facebook and said anyone who wanted could help. In a card they painted a Portuguese flag and were taking pictures, not to get well but to show how others look good after receiving what they need.
Until today, they are there, taking food to those in need. Disclose, day to day, what they spend and what they buy. Are not arranged for pictures, they are not interested in the appearance of it, they are interested in the good of others themselves.
Meditation on daily basis with applying TFA “Think, Feel, Act” for the 1st 20 minutes of your day is a great start to pause and make a choice to be aware.
Reading this article right now at this time of year just before Christmas is so timely! I have been practicing mindfulness in being intentional in working to keep the holiday season as simple as possible, and not to fill up my calendar with too many things so that I can focus on the reason for the season. However, it’s become very challenging to stay focused on this consistently, as I feel myself pulled in many different directions.
As I was running from store to store the other night shopping for gifts, I found myself feeling more and more stressed and under pressure. Then it hit me- I needed to “be in the moment” to enjoy the blessing of being able to pick out something for a loved one to make them happy, versus grumpily going through the motions.
Surface – Substance – Significance
I Joshua
Wonderful exercise of truthfulness, I ‘m setting a project in Angola named Coaching for Peace, and when I was in the creation process, that is all about consequential thinking, and now those 3 s, fit perfectly on it.
The Surface of the educational System,. The governments have the statistics of thousands of new children have access to the education, the teachers are not educated to educate, the programs talk about all, less about kindness, compassion, empathy, emotional Intelligence , the programs dont talk about how to create a blue generation full of love , values and positive beliefs, raised in noble goals. They talk about Mats, chemistry, biology, , language skills..about to have success despite the failures of others…. the surface is ugly
The need to get the substance can be a new age of teachers, full of literacy , full of emotional skills, that is in the project coaching for peace, teach the children to teach the parents and teachers how to teach them. Give them the chance to run from the appearance to the being. Empower children with skills of coaching, emotional literacy, teach those children how to know , chose and give and replicate the model everywhere.
The significance will be to have a world full of compassion and consequential thinking, with actors instead of victims, actors of their own choices, where in each they of their life’s they can understood the impact of each single choice into the ecology of their life’s and of each noble goal.
Pedro Tinoco
Thank you Pedro – sounds like a powerful program and an important step… it “seems” so much easier to focus on the surface, how it looks, how it sounds… but great teaching (maybe great everything??) requires that alignment of what’s inside & outside…
This article certainly does wake me up quite a bit. My life is rather busy most of the time. I must say that I behave like the Japanese teacher too. Recently, something happened at work which is rather similar and my colleague asked me if I truly understood the meaning of me doing what I did to the students. Scratching the surface and not getting into the root of it. This does leaves quite an impression.
Hi Amos – did the question from your colleague prompt to you to create some change? The trap of “getting through the content” has been difficult for me, because I’ve felt a responsibility to the students & institution to deliver XYZ. I’ve come to see that the syllabus is only the one aspect — relationship and meaning are just a big a take-away.
I think consequential thinking is an important tool. In today’s context where wrong and right are just a line difference. A wrong action can easily be justified as righteous and correct. The way forward is not about taking actions that are right / wrong, but whether if we have considered the implications and consequences thoroughly.
I agree Kim – great point. We don’t know the right answer… but we can take care in choosing.
🙂
Hi Josh,
At the outset my apologies for not remaining in contact. Nothing but the conspiracy of the pressures of daily life, which deviate the focus from right to not so right.
Your writing as usual is soul opening. You have the knack of bring out the essence of life in very simple and plain language which comes more as a realization than learning. There is no denying that our day to day pressures are truly conspiring against us which causes a shift in our focus. I believe this also leads us to self justification of our failures to our own selves, rather than centering on our mistakes and learning to correct them. EQ development may lead us to that for better quality of life and give more meaning to our existence.
Thanks once again for the enlightment.
Col Nagi
Hi Colonel Nagi – it’s wonderful to hear from you now. It is amazing how “busy life” can take over… I think that drives some of this “being on the surface” I talked about in the post. 🙂
Josh, Thank you for your 3S’s – Surface – Substance – Significance. Article is very insightful and transforming. It is very true, when we move from the need to present/appearance to the freedom of the person we want to be, it connects us to the purpose of why we are, and such awareness is so refreshing and releases amazing energy as well. I am reminded of a quote ” Still waters run deep”
Tim, I hadn’t thought of it as the 3S — it’s a little like 3D printing, maybe… what’s on the surface and what’s on the inside… and why?
🙂
Hi! Josh, I am enjoying the above discussion and Article. Nice to know about P,E and M. Liked the pic of Emma with scented sticks. I always call you all J, P,E and M as “A LIVING EQ FAMILY.” Essence of Scented Sticks is reaching through your article. I actually remembered an ICEBERG. Right now I am throughly enjoying my research with children :: “Impact of EQ on Concentration. Just coming back from Parents Workshop in the school KSIS. How wonderful to apply the whole knowledge of EQ and bringing Noble Goal in action. Learning EQ to EQ Application and Application to Transformation, trying to bring change in self and see the changes in people is again a great motivation to change. Thank you so very much for your guidance and inspiration in this of my journey. 🙂
Thank you Arati – like you, I’ve found the comments quite valuable. I chose that picture of E through the incense because it reminds me of the veiled quality of life — there is an obvious story, but underneath that, there’s a deeper story. Maybe even more powerful to think of 3 levels:
… The surface, or appearance, which is often a distraction.
… The substance, which I called “the thing itself” in this post.
… The significance, which is hidden even deeper, and we only see through a lens of deep reflection or passing time.
Perhaps there is even a deeper level of significance which we can’t see, or rarely see, or can’t explain but can sense sometimes?
🙂
In order to truly know something , you have to recognize the ugly side of that knowledge.This only comes with research and reflection which require time and energy; the two main resouces that are too limited and finite in a fast -track, impatiently quantitative results- oriented,compulsively demanding &ever – changing world.Therefore, one tends to forego the search for truth and meaning in favor of the appearance that does not have to cause our stress levels to soar, or challenge our beliefs , or cause internal conflicts where one has to face and resolve in order to let one’s true entity emerge..
Josh,
I hope you and your family had a wonderful time in your journey together!
I relate to this post. In my work as a Safe Schools Specialist, I often encounter people who seem to be more concerned withe appearance of things, rather than “the thing” itself. When “the thing” is safety at school, or preventing bullying among students, or the effectiveness of the peer mediation program, this can be a rather harmful attitude. Too many times, people believe that they have adequately addressed an issue, (“done something” about bullying, etc.) when they implement a program. Implementation, however, is not a good measure of success. Instead, one should define one’s objectives for the program implementation (ie: what outcomes do we want to see? what changes in attitudes, behaviors, etc.?) and then measure success against those outcomes.
After taking the Six Seconds EQ Educator course, I realize that we must apply consequential thinking and pursue noble goals, to accomplish this focus on objectives. My first question, when fielding a call for a potential job in safe school consulting is, “what do you hope will be the results of our work together?” I believe people want to become better problem-solvers, and genuinely want to help their school communities. I’ve found that starting this discussion and allowing for “thinking out loud” around this important question, facilitates a deeper consideration of, and focus on, “the thing itself.”
Hi Christa, it’s such a simple, powerful, hard question: what is your goal. Amazing, actually, how hard it is to decide this… ESP in a situation w many stakeholders like a school.
🙂
What a fantastic article. Thank you for the reminder.
Hello Joshua!,
I think people find it harder and harder to ‘be in the experience, to feel it, to be present’ as we are ‘gifted’ with more and more modern technology. I am American but lived in England for many years. I was always puzzled when I came from the UK back to the USA and it seemed people were over-documenting their lives in pictures, videos, etc. with all images a testament to a perfect life…perfect smiles, perfect settings, creativity absent(in comparison England seemed more creatively free and real). And it seems that busyness somehow is now valued as worthiness. This seems to be what most people want and respond to?
Confusing times for children. They are bombarded with all the glitz and glitter of gadgets and not taught how these can enhance life or detract from it(I do try as a parent to three)…what you call skimming rather than diving into depth. This has far reaching affects that we are probably not even aware of.
How do you use what you teach in schools, organizations, businesses and how does it relate to these particular problems…esp those you mentioned in your article.
How have organizations, including schools, responded to your training programs?
Warmly,
Michelle
Hi Michelle, great point that there is a kind of “accidental conspiracy” to push all of us toward the surface… Millions of superficial interactions rather than dozens of profound ones. Yet, the plurality has a unique substance. What I’ve seen is that we are unconsciously reactive and “spinning” rather than moving. Many (most) of our clients find that the Six Seconds’ process and skills of EQ provide a way to proudly shift from reacting to responding… And a kind of internal strength that makes the “clamor” of our daily strife fade in the light of compelling purpose.
Thanks for asking!
J
Out of a restless but still beautiful South Africa: Tx for a timely reminder. We tend to scratch the surface in our yearning for true reconciliation!
Seasons greetings!